‘There's no space where it's assumed that I'm queer, but not gay’
Pronouns: he / him
Content warning: reference to use of term ‘queer’ as a slur
Names have been redacted to protect anonymity
How do you self-describe?
I am a cis, queer male. A cis male who is queer, not cis queer.
And what do you associate with the term queer? Is it a positive association for you?
Yes! Basically, for me, queer just means not straight. That's all it means to me. And I like the fact that there's a nice reappropriation of it. For a term which has been a very negative term. I was talking to a friend of mine about this, and he was saying that - he's straight - and he was saying that he has always not known if he can use the word queer or not. Because when he was growing up, it was such a negative term. And so, when I describe myself as queer, he doesn't know if he can say it too. And I was like, that's very sweet. And he asked me, "Can I say that?" And I'm like, "Yes, you can. Because you're saying it in a respectful way, which is a way that I use it, like, I would absolutely not mind you calling me queer." Because that's how I describe myself. If you were like, "You fucking queer” that I might be a bit more upset about it. But I find it really interesting that he had a bit of a problem with the word because of his own negative associations with it. Whereas I'm like, "No, no, like, we've totally taken that back." The queer community has totally taken that back. And you know, we're here, we're queer, get used to it, there's such a lovely history of it being reappropriated, in a way that makes me really comfortable using it. And then actually, I feel like it describes me way better than so many other terms.
I have an issue with the word bisexual for myself, because I'm like "Well, I'm not just attracted to men and women. Like, it's not as binary as that." But also, I don't feel that the word pansexual describes me, just because I can't quite get my head around it. A lot of ways when you describe yourself and you say something like "No it doesn't fit." Like, pansexual, I'm like just doesn't fit. Every now and again, I do go "Maybe I'm gay?" And I'm like, "No, I'm really not." Just married to a man. And so I find it really interesting. That queer, even though it's a bit of a catch all, and it's 'the queer community', which is basically the whole of the LGBTQ plus spectrum -fits under that umbrella, in my view. And I still find that for me on a personal level that describes me best.
Do you mind asking when did you first become aware of your sexuality?
I'm not sure. For one thing, I have a horrible memory. [LAUGHTER] I genuinely can't remember quite a lot of my childhood. And I definitely remember being attracted to guys. Or like not necessarily attracted to, but feeling like, "I like you more than a friend." Or "I'm looking at you with an interest, but it's more than just, you're an interesting person." I definitely remember that from a really young age, from probably seven or eight, maybe. But I don't think that I was able to put my finger on it or put a word to it for quite a long while. Maybe when I was early teens. Then I came out to all my friends when I was 14/15. Around there, 15 probably. I came out to my sisters around that same time, and my dad when I was about 16/17, and my mom when I was 18. But there wasn't any one moment where I was like "Ah! Penny drops." But at the same time, it wasn't like, "Oh, I've always known." In the same way that most straight people like gradually learned that the feelings that they're developing for members of the opposite sex are crossing into attraction. I think I just felt that but for like, everybody, [LAUGHTER] So I guess I don't actually know when I realised it. I think that definitely when I came out to everybody, I came out as Bi. I think that I used the word bi because I've that was the word I knew at the time. And by and large, I still, if I'm talking to straight people, I tend to say that I'm bi to them, because, ah, it's just easier!
And why'd you find that?
So, I was actually having this discussion yesterday with a friend of mine who, I think he identifies as bisexual. And we were talking about the fact that, there's a thing that people in the queer community say, where 'you don't just come out once.' You come out all the time, that you're constantly coming out to people. And I find that being attracted to more than one gender, you're coming out a lot more. Because there are also people who I've never come out to, who I just know, and they know that I'm married to a man. And so I've never had to sit down and say "So guys..." [LAUGHTER] Because they know I'm obviously not straight because I'm married to a man. But they a lot of those people probably think I'm gay. And so, for some of those people, I've had to come out again and say "Oh, actually, I'm not gay." And sometimes, I've had conversation[s] with people and they've been like, "Oh, no, you're gay." And I'm like "I'm not, actually, like, it's just something we've never talked about."
And then people are like, "WHAT???! You're married to a man, and now you're saying you're straight??!" It's like "Oh, no, there, there are more things!" [LAUGHTER] And so I find it really interesting. And it's usually straight people who immediately find out I'm married to a man. "Oh, you're gay." Usually queer people don't necessarily assume that. Or when they find out that I'm not gay, it's very easy for them to go "oh, not gay, just like... one of the other ones." But I think that a lot of that is to do with straight people's awareness of bivisibility, straight people's awareness of sexuality beyond the binary of straight or gay. Because a lot of straight people are sort of vaguely aware that that exists.
Have you had an experience of people going “Oh, but you'll... then you'll come out as gay or actually, you'll change your mind and be straight?"
A little bit. Nobody's like, been very explicit about it. And you know, I don't think I've ever had anyone denying my bisexuality outright to me, beyond like a joke. I definitely feel a sense from people but it's like, "Oh, he was bi and now he's married to a man. So, he's gay now." And people not quite getting that that's not really how it works. Just because I've married a man and I'm in love with him, it doesn't mean that I've stopped being attracted to women or any other various gender. And I think that people find it very hard, like people can't quite draw the parallel between "Okay, so this straight man has married a woman, but he can still fancy other women." Like, that's no different to me marrying a man and still fancying other men and women and any other gender. I find it a bit strange that people are so keen to fit people into the binary. And I think it is a heteronormative thing to sort of say "Oh, well, you fit into this lovely pattern now that you're with a man, you've broken that little heteronormative boundary, and eeww, you've married a man, but okay, we'll let that slide as long as you only fancy other men."
I feel like gay relationships have, by and large, been accepted by British society as a thing that happens. And they can do that now, that's okay. As long as they stay as gay relationships. And as soon as anyone tries to change that - if I were to leave my husband, and start a relationship with a woman, I think people would freak out and be like "But what?! But we thought we knew you!" And I think that bisexuality is something which hasn't really pervaded the sort of consciousness of UK society in the same way. I think that people still struggle a little bit with it, and either see it as a stepping stone to homosexuality, or as a phase or as something which you experience until you get into a long term relationship, and then you've chosen a side. I love the idea that, like, 'we have to choose a side.' It's like "ooh well, I mean I sorta did." [LAUGHTER]
When you have spoken to individuals or groups about it, what kind of responses have you had?
By and large, I would say people have been "Okay." And my family were also super cool with it. And still are, but I always feel like I'm occasionally reminding people that I'm not gay. And, and every time that I do like, nobody's ever like.... "Oh, yeah, we forgot." And neither is anyone sort of like "Oh, that again!" Instead, people are just like "Oh, yeah." Because I think that people do sort of forget, especially straight people. I think that every now and again, probably some of the most negative reactions have come from gay people. Because I think a lot of gay people come out as bisexual as a way to like test the waters and to give themselves an out if they feel they need it, you know? You know, for a, for a gay guy to say, "I fancy man but also women too, it's still okay!"
So, it's like "No, I do still fancy women. I am still normal. But I also fancy men a little bit, sorry!" I'm saying I think because I don't know. I think there's a thing that happens where it's like, "Well, if I say 'this', if people can accept this bit, maybe they can accept a little bit more." That has happened a lot in reality. I know plenty of people who came out as bisexual and now identify as gay. I'm sure that there are plenty people who genuinely do identify as bisexual, and then their view of themselves shifts, and they decide that gay is a better descriptor for them. I'm not saying that you can't change your mind about who you're attracted to, because you totally can. But I think that there are people in the gay community who think that bisexuality is a thing that you 'say' you are, until you're ready to come out as gay. And so occasionally, I have conversations with people where, you know, it's like "Oh, but I'm not actually gay." And they're like "Okay, yeah sure whatever. Yeah, come back to me in five years and tell me that."
It’'s interesting that I get that more from the gay community than I do from straight people. But again, I also think that some of that has to do with straight people. A lot of the straight people that I know are quite open minded, and are willing to say "I don't know about this, so I'll take your lead on it. So, if that's what you say? Cool, like, I don't know enough to disagree with you." Whereas a lot of people in the gay community are like "No, like, your truth is different to my truth, and therefore, cannot be true." And I think that that can be quite difficult. Interestingly, there's one straight friend of mine, who always remembers that I'm not gay. And he is always one of those people who, if people are discussing something, and they're like "Oh, yeah, but you know, we know [REDACT] he's gay." He'll be the one who's like "No, he's not." And he always remembers and makes me feel really validated. And, in a really interesting way, he's not even somebody that I know, like, super well. But it's just really nice that there is somebody out there who's sticking up for the people who don't fit into the straight/gay binary. It’s mainly the gay community, for me, who pushed back against the idea of bisexuality. Which I'm sure isn't the case for everybody. I'm sure for many people, straight friends and relatives are the people who are like "that's not a thing." But for me, pretty much all of my straight friends and family have been very accepting of the fact that this is a real thing.
So yeah, I've been very fortunate, I have no traumatic coming out story. My coming out, or comings out, were very easy compared to a lot of people. Like my parents are very cool, very liberal people. I didn't have to worry about it. And my parents’ partners - my parents are divorced - and their partners are both very fine with it as well. I've been very fortunate in that it's been very easy to deal with. Like, my dad's partner has more issue with the fact that as she puts it, I 'claim' to have ADHD, than my bisexuality. Weird, but she's totally fine with the sexuality. [LAUGHTER]
When I came out of school, all my friends were very cool with it. My school was so gay, there was so many kids out at my school. It was ridiculous, like so brilliant. I'm so fortunate and I'm very grateful for that experience. But in my year, there were seven out kids, including someone who came out as a lesbian and later came out again as a trans man. And the closest thing I ever got to homophobic bullying at school was a guy came up to me and was like "You're going out with ‘Ben’." And I was "Ah I'm not actually, we broke up and now I'm going out with ‘Naomi’." And he was like, "Oh." [LAUGHTER] Like, that is it, that's like, that's as bad as it ever got, because it was just not a big deal in my community.
I came from a very middle class, white, liberal community. The town that I'm from is super liberal, the village that I'm from was quite a small, kind of close-knit kind of village. But especially within the school, our friendship groups were quite tight. But at the same time, it wasn't very, it wasn't a very cliquey school, it was like, "these people are the people that I hang out with at lunchtime. But I can go and, like, chat with these people over here, or these people over here. And like, nobody gives a shit." It was a weirdly friendly place.
Good for you! [LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I know! I don't know how I managed to get such a lucky start to my life. But it was not an issue. Like, teachers didn't have a problem with it.
Do you feel being a bisexual cis man has influenced how people respond to you? Or do you feel like in general, bisexual men are responded to differently to bisexual women or vice versa?
I know it's a bit of a cliche, but I do think that society is more tolerant towards bisexual women than bisexual men. I think that there's a weird thing that happens with women where if a woman who you presume is straight kisses a girl, you're like "Oh, they're just having fun." If a man you presume is straight kisses a man, that's seen as an affront. An affront to masculinity. And toxic masculinity aside, I do think that there's a bit more freedom granted to women in that respect. I do think though it goes the other way, when you have gay men who kiss women, that seems a bit of fun. Lesbian women who kiss men, that's seen as an affront. That's seen as "No, what are you doing? Like, you're undoing all the good work that all the lesbians are doing." And I think that it comes from a very patriarchal place. It comes from a place of "But lesbians are smashing the patriarchy. If you kiss a man, you're just undoing their work!" And that's this sort of weird internalised misogyny. Where it's like "But, you know, once women have turned away from men, they should stay turned away!" [LAUGHTER] You know, like, "You can't, you can't go back to accepting them!" And a lot of that is born out of women fighting so hard for freedom from men from being property and being 'things' that men 'have'. To be seen to be going back to that is a challenging thing to be presented with. But I think that for me as a white middle class, cis male aged between 18 and 35, I definitely have less barriers to try and break through in order to feel seen. And I think that it's almost like, people want me to be straight or gay, like 'please choose'. The fact that I'm like, "No, I'm neither." People are like "Huh, fine! At least you're doing everything else right." [LAUGHTER] You know, it's, it has that feeling for me, of like people can put up with my like, 'weird sexuality' because at least that's the only thing weird about me.
I think [it] is quite difficult for people who don't tick all those other like 'societal norm' boxes. Like, I am the average-ist of average. And I think that gives me a bit of a pass. I do think that bisexual women do have a harder time being taken seriously for their bisexuality, because it's one of those things wherewomen are almost expected to 'experiment' and play around. I think that there's a societal thing on women to like "No you do that, and then you find a husband." Like, you know, "that's how it works." And I think that then that makes it quite difficult for bisexual women to be taken seriously in their sexuality. And especially, I think, for bisexual women who choose to have long term relationships with men. I think that then it's like, "Oh, good, your experimenting is done. Like, you've finished experimenting now. Now, you can just be a nice, straight woman."
"Back in the box with you"?
Exactly! [LAUGHTER] And I think that's quite difficult. But at the same time, it's also quite difficult for bisexual men who just have relationships with women. Because then there's a shaming taboo thing that happens - if a woman's partner cheats on her with another man, like, that's like a 'shameful' thing for the woman. And it's like "Well, no, like, if he's cheated on you with anybody, that's him being a shitbag-not anything to do with you. And he was cheating on you with a man. That doesn't mean that he's looking for something that you don't have, and you should feel ashamed for being, like, a woman."
You've mentioned in the past you've had girlfriends as well. When you had girlfriends, did you find the responses differed?
Well, for one thing, you're not coming out to strangers all the time when you have, when you're with a partner of the opposite gender. Because if I say to somebody, "my husband," I've immediately told them I'm not straight. Whereas if I say to somebody "my girlfriend," they assume I'm straight. So I think that if people already had confirmation that I'm not straight, it is a little bit easier for them to accept that 'Oh, but I am also attracted to women.' Whereas if I say, "Oh, my girlfriend," and people make the assumption that I'm straight, and then if I say, "Oh, I'm also attracted to men" that flips them out a bit more. Because so much of our society splits things into straight and gay. It means that if I've deviated from [the] heteronormative by making you think that I'm gay, then taking you 'back' towards bisexual, "back" in inverted commas, towards bisexual is sort of an easier pill to swallow than if I've stayed on this track of straight and then gone "Oh, but also..." To jump up the track of it is harder, just because it works against what people assumed to be the case. If I've already told you that I'm queer being a different type of queer is easier to accept than to start on straight and then jump off that entirely. They're like, "Ah, quick! Where's the rainbow flag?"
It's a real big hurdle for people. I think, by and large, I've been quite lucky with that. I've not been in a relationship with a woman for a really long time. So it's difficult for me to gauge that in terms of my life as a proper adult. Also, in terms of how society's views have changed over the past however long… you know, in the past 10 years, a lot has happened.
Do you know of any stereotypes or phrases or wording that has been associated with people who identify as bi/queer/pan?
'Greedy,' 'Can't decide,' 'Sitting on the fence,' 'Slutty'. For me, personally, like the idea of 'greedy', like "What do you think's happening?" Do you think that like, I'm just like, "Oh yeah, I'll have that one, I'll have that one, and that one!"? It's like "No!"
'Can't decide' is such a big one, that's the one that I get jokingly most from people. If me and a gay friend are talking, and I remind them that I'm not gay, and they'll be like, "Oh yeah, but you know, you've just not decided yet." And it's a joke, but it is the joke that comes up most often in a way that's definitely coming from somewhere like societal. And 'slutty' I find hilarious, because anyone could be a slut! [LAUGHTER] Like, come on! I'm not saying I'm not a slut. But it's not because I fancy men and women. [LAUGHTER]
This isn't one that I've experienced, but definitely bisexual people in relationships, like the idea that they're 'less likely to be faithful'. I don't know if there's a term for that. But that I find odd. Because I just can't figure out where that comes from. It's like "Wait, what, why, you what?" I think some of that comes from insecurity and from not understanding how... how it's possible to be attracted to more than one gender. You know, I find that very strange.
You've spoken about words or phrases you've heard, [are there] any in particular that you find associated with bisexual men?
I think the 'unfaithful' one comes into men a bit more than women. Because I say there's some shame associated with a woman being left for a man. The shame is still partly there the other way, but in my mind, there's nothing that's particularly levelled against bisexual men as opposed to women.
Another one is 'just experimenting', or it's 'a phase'. If anything I feel like 'just a phase' thing is definitely levelled at everybody. It's expected that women will experiment, and it's expected that if a man sleeps with a man, he's definitely gay. And so it's, the 'it's a phase' thing is definitely like so across the board, but for different reasons. So, it's 'a phase' for women before they turn straight. It's a phase for men before they turn gay.
The term 'bi erasure'... Have you come across this word?
Yes!
What does it mean to you?
It's the idea that people aren't bisexual. It's that essentially whoever you're in a relationship with, that's your sexuality. And it goes further than that. So you think about characters on television - I think that the media has a lot to do with bi erasure, there are so few bisexual characters on television. There are plenty of gay characters on television. There are plenty of lesbian characters, gay male characters, trans characters who are straight or gay, but there are so few bisexual characters. And that I find really odd, you know, there's so few of them. Like Captain jack Harkness, from Doctor Who is one. Pretty much everybody in Sense 8 [LAUGHTER] to varying degrees. And then you look at characters [where] the area is a bit muddier. You look at Ross's ex wife on 'Friends', who was married to him, had a child with him, and then started a relationship with a woman and it's described thereafter as a lesbian. That, you know, maybe she is a lesbian, but I wonder if she were written today if she wouldn't necessarily be written as a lesbian. I mean, I doubt that that storyline will be written today anyway but I wonder if that would be the case. And same with Willow from 'Buffy', you know, she has relationships with men through the whole series, she has a long-term relationship with a guy. And then the first time she has any romantic interaction with a woman, she's a lesbian. There's no idea of her being bisexual, it’s almost like all of the past relationships you had with men are suddenly not real. Whereas in fact, they were really important relationships and very loving relationships in certain instances. And so it's a bit strange that they're sort of then written out of her life. I find it so odd that people have such an issue with bisexuality being a real thing, when literally our, you know, communities' acronym is 'LG'B'T.' [LAUGHTER] It's like, 'Come on, like we're right there!' So it's interesting to me that bisexuality is seen as not real or not valid. And we have to really fight for it.
And then, you know, every now and again... I'm trying to think of like proper bisexual characters. For all I know, there's loads, I just don't know them. But I can't think of any in the wider world. It happens a lot in like comic book adaptations, because lots of comic book characters are queer. And that gets written out in the Hollywood film adaptation, Deadpool is famously queer. And in both of his films, there's small allusions made to that. But it's definitely not explicitly said. And it's a shame, because I think that if a big film were to let that happen, I think it would mean a lot. There are definitely some characters out there, but I think that there could be more.
I think that bi erasure has a lot to do bi visibility - if there were more bisexual characters visible to people, then I think that people would be more accepting of it and less likely to deny bisexuality as 'a phase'. It would be nicer if people assumed I wasn't straight because I have a husband. [LAUGHTER] That's fair enough, but didn't automatically go to 'gay'. I think that it would be nice if people could assume that if I were with a woman, people wouldn't necessarily think 'Oh. they're both straight.' If people could assume "We just don't know". Because the truth is, you don't! [LAUGHTER] I know plenty of queer people in what look like straight relationships. It's like, "I know that one of you isn't straight, or both of you aren't straight. But everybody else is assuming you are." And that's, that's all societal. Curse you heteronormative! [LAUGHTER]
Where do you feel most confident expressing your sexuality? Like in what spaces or communities do you feel most welcomed and accepted?
That's quite tricky, because I've never felt particularly conflicted about my sexuality. I've always been very comfortable with my sexuality. So I've never really felt like I don't know who I am. It's easier to relax in my sexuality. But that's also partly due to the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man. And so again to, to an outside eye, people would assume I'm gay. And so I think that being in a queer space does make that easier to relax with. But I don't think there's actually any space where I can relax as an, inverted comma, "bisexual." Because those spaces don't really exist. There's no space where it's assumed that I'm queer, but not gay. If I'm in a gay bar, the assumption is that I'm gay. If I'm just at the pub, the assumption is I'm straight. I'm not a particularly camp or flamboyant person. If I was in a pub, people would definitely just assume I'm a straight guy. And so no space exists where people would assume, that I'm "bisexual,".
Do you think we need it?
Yes and no. I think it would be nice to have a space where I didn't have to come out twice. Where everyone just sort of like, knew that I was bi and that's cool. The only one is pride. When I go around, I wear my bi pride flag and my bi pride t-shirt. And people look at me and they go "that guy is bisexual." [LAUGHTER] And that is pretty much the only time where I don't feel like I'm gonna have to come out twice. Because people can see it, I literally have it on me. Like, it's like I'm wearing a nice sign that says, "I like men and women."
And so that's pretty much the only time when I feel truly comfortable. And like, people get me. The relief of that is really nice, to have it so obvious. But at the same time, I think if a space like that did exist, I don't know if I might find it a little bit insular and insulating. I like being part of a wider community of queer people or of 'people' generally, you know. I like going to the pub because I like the atmosphere. I like going to gay bars because I like being around people who are not straight and who I don't have to worry about putting any kind of front for, in the event of things going a bit sideways. Being queer is... being 'not gay' queer, is definitely a big part of me. But being queer, in an overarching way, is a bigger part of me, you know, and that is because of the queer struggle through the ages. And I think that not being straight is who I am. And not being gay is incidental to that, you know. Identity wise, I definitely identify more as 'not straight' than I do as 'not gay'. I don't mind being a part of the gay community a lot more than being part of the straight community. Like I wouldn't want to be part of the straight community. [LAUGHTER] But I don't mind being part of the gay community. I think that the 'otherness' that we all feel is more important to me than the fact that I also fancy women in a perceived heterosexual way. Yeah, interesting. I've never actually thought about whether or not I would want a bisexual space.
Like a 'bi bar'. There's video games, and it's just assumed we're all bi. Soft drinks, cake. [LAUGHTER] Beanbags.
Chairs, but nobody sits on them properly. I think that's one which I didn't say earlier. The idea that bi people can't sit on chairs properly. I don't know where that's come from. [LAUGHTER] I definitely don't sit on chairs properly, but I don't think that has to do with my sexuality. I'm just keeping myself open to all options. [LAUGHTER] I've genuinely never thought about it. I don't think that is something that I'd want. Not that I wouldn't, not that I actively don't want it.
I don't feel the need for it. I'm sure that there are people out there who do. I'm sure that there are people who feel that they are not comfortable or accepted or welcome. Different people feel different things in either community, the straight culture or gay culture. But at the same time, I think my sexuality isn't a big enough part of who I am socially for that to be an issue. I like to go to the pub because I like hanging out with my friends, not because I like pub culture. And I'd be more likely to go to a gay bar for a night out just because generally speaking, it's a better night out. I prefer the music, it's generally a bit friendlier, nobody's gonna get dodgy with me if I dance like crazy. I like going to board game cafes because I like playing board games. I don't know what a bisexual bar would offer me that I wouldn't be able to get somewhere else. Besides, perhaps the assumption by everybody that I'm queer, but not gay. And I don't think I need that validation from a space. I think that that's fine. If I could get that validation from society, that'd be nice! [LAUGHTER] That'd be nice, to not have to constantly come out. Um, but yeah, but I think that's a lot to ask from a bar. [LAUGHTER]
Do you have anything else you'd like to add?
As I said earlier, I'm very fortunate that my family, my upbringing, has been very open. And I've never felt I've had to validate my sexuality in any way. I've not, I've not been in [a] relationship with a woman for a really long time. But I've not felt any need to do anything to validate my, again in inverted commas, 'bisexuality.' I think there's a lot of pressure on people to prove their sexuality in some way. And possibly, that pressure is doubled on bisexual people, that there's a need to prove that you're bisexual and not straight or gay. Which I don't actually feel. And even when I'm challenged on it, I don't feel any pressure to sort of explain myself, because I've come from a very open, accepting environment where, I said I was bisexual and my parents were like, "Okay."
When I came out to my mom, I said to her, "I'm bisexual. I'm in a relationship with a guy." And she was like, "Okay." I was like, 'okay,' and we had a bit of a talk. And I was like, "You're taking this very well." And she said, "I mean... sorry?" [LAUGHTER] Her exact words, "I could throw a tantrum if you want, but I don't think it would help." [LAUGHTER] So, like, that's where I've come from. My dad's response, when I told him I was bisexual, and I was in a relationship with a different guy at the time, I thought it was easier to tell them while I was in a relationship with a guy, just... again, that's a slight sense of proving myself which I've not felt since because they were very quick to be like, 'you don't have to prove yourself'. I told him, "I'm bisexual. I'm in a relationship with a guy". And he was like, "Okay, bisexual... does that mean you can have a girlfriend as well?" [LAUGHTER] "I like the way you're thinking Dad!". So I've never felt any sort of pressure in that way. And I realised that that is incredibly lucky of me. Also, incredibly lucky that I could be out at school, that I could sort out all of my feelings around my sexuality.
But I got all that sorted in my head very early on. And it meant that then I spent all my university life and all of my adult life, being cool with it, and knowing who I am or what I like. And I feel very fortunate about that. Because it's made all the other shit that I have in my life a lot easier to deal with. It's not like I've had to wrestle with my sexuality alongside everything else. Because that can be such a big deal for so many people. And for me, because it just wasn't at all, you know, none of it was ever a big deal - that's been a real godsend. And so I'm very fortunate in that regard.
Occasionally, younger people will talk to me. Like, there was like a kid I was in a show with a few years ago. And occasionally he'll talk to me on Instagram. And I'm always very keen to like, not talk to people, like young people, because I'm like, "All I can offer you is like, the standard advice, like 'don't do drugs, stay in school.'" I don't think I would be a very good mentor. But occasionally, he talks to me and mentions his girlfriend who lives in Spain, and I'm like, "Kid, like, You're such a cliche." And I desperately want to tell him that like "It's fine, like, you can be the little queer kid." He's such a little queer kid, and I wish he knew it or was able to accept it. And so yeah, I wish that I was able to like, instil the confidence I had about my sexuality as a younger person in young people, but I don't know how. My wish is that everyone could have this sort of upbringing and yeah, early attitudes to the sexuality that I was given.