‘Finding a community in rural areas is difficult, but not impossible’
Pronouns: she / her
Content warning: reference to medical homophobia and biphobia
Names have been redacted to protect anonymity
Tell us about your sexuality, and any terms you align with
I identify as bisexual - I like that it can be used as an umbrella term. I also like the word queer to describe myself, even if I rarely use it, since I mainly use it as an umbrella term for the whole community instead of a term for self-identifying. I know that many native English speakers dislike this word because it was commonly used as an insult and it still is, but it's also the best word I found to refer to the whole LGBTQ+ community and to myself (other than bisexual) in my native language.
Has coming out been part of your experience? If so, what did coming out mean to you?
I never liked coming out like it's normally imagined, it places too much power on the person who is come out to than the person coming out, but I had to do it, even if it was just three times. From then on I preferred to just casually mention it when it was relevant to a conversation with people I decided to come out to. So far, the responses have been mostly positive. Unfortunately I also had an experience with being outed to some schoolmates, which cost me some friends, the relationship with some of my relatives and made me isolate for a whole summer.
Have you had any memorable responses from other people about your sexuality?
I had three memorable responses to my coming out: my friends, who noticed I was shaking when I came out to them and hugged me and reassured me; my parents, who told me they wish they made clear they weren't like my other relatives sooner, and a doctor I visited once, who turned out to be homophobic and biphobic after I was asked to provide some information about my sexual health. The reactions to me being outed were negative, to put it mildly.
Do you think your gender (if any) affects how people react to your sexuality?
Definitely! But I also think that my gender presentation influences people's reactions as well. I don't like to present overly feminine and on many occasions I'm presumed to be a lesbian. When I heard of the "bi woman to lesbian enby" pipeline from an acquaintance they reassured me that I would just slowly change and leave bisexuality and womanhood behind, but it didn't happen. At the time I stupidly thought that my attraction to men was just the result of other people's expectations of me, and that since I showed interest in boys slightly later than girls, it had to be fake. I didn't realise how pervasive internalised biphobia can be. Given the way I present I could avoid the usual hypersexualising questions that are commonly asked to bi+ women, but in return I was assumed to be lying or just naive.
Do you think the gender of your romantic or sexual partner has affected people's perceptions of your sexuality?
Yes, sadly. It's the common experience of being expected to magically become monosexual once in a relationship. After a couple of dates with a man, an acquaintance asked if I went back into the closet, since I previously dated a non-binary person. When dating said non-binary person I was asked to rethink the label I used for my sexuality, since it was perceived as not political enough and transphobic. Another time, after a break-up with a girl I dated, a schoolmate told me she knew we wouldn't have lasted long (we actually dated for little more than a year, that's a lot by teenage standards!) because we were both masculine and into sports, that one of us should have been more girly. Luckily the people who said these things to me are not part of my life anymore.
Are there any words / phrases that you've encountered as being associated with your sexuality?
The majority of the negative words associated with bisexuality that I heard are pretty much the same online and in real life, and pretty much always the same stereotypes repurposed. The most positive description I've ever heard was that of a gift.
Do you feel that you see enough representation of your sexuality in culture / media / beyond?
I wish I could easily find bisexuality and bi+ people portraited in a way that doesn't use bisexuality just for shock value and that doesn't use it as a metaphor for something else: duplicity, disloyalty, inability to choose, but also open-mindedness and modernity. I understand that media creation relies heavily on symbolism at every level, but the constant association of bisexuality to personality traits, positive or negative, is more than just dangerous. Sadly it is both a reflection and an amplification of the way bi+ people are perceived and treated. I am aware that these stereotypes existed before modern media, I just wish I could easily find media that uses a character's bisexuality as just a characteristic and portrays it for what it means for that character, instead of using it a symbol with a hidden meaning.
What challenges do you face as a person who is attracted to more than one gender?
Mostly being ridiculed, but four years ago I was denied medical care because of my sexuality. I'm not going into details, but as soon as the doctor finished saying that bisexuality was wrong and needed to be fixed right to my face, I stood up, cut the visit short and left. I felt like a coward for not confronting the doctor immediately, but after some time I realised that starting an argument with someone who doesn't want to listen is just a waste of my energies. A similar incident involving a gay patient and a doctor from the same hospital ended up in a local newspaper and, to my surprise, people were horrified with the doctor and with the hospital staff and demanded justice. That gave me some hope that not everyone living in my area is backward and homophobic. Not a lot of hope, just a bit.
Where do you feel most confident expressing your sexuality? Are there and spaces or communities that make you feel especially welcome?
As for bi+ only community I find myself confident [and] most welcome online. I grew up in a village in the mountains, so growing up I had to look for a community online if I wanted to find one. There are bi+ specific organisations in my country, but they're based too far away from where I live, so I just join them when they're doing online events. As for the wider community, some years ago I found a bar near where I live that isn't marketed as a gay bar, but many of its regulars are queer people.
Is there anything else you’d like to share?
I noticed there is a disconnect between my experience and the more stereotypical city life LGBTQ+ experience. Coming from the countryside, life in a big city was a-once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to build lasting relationships with other queer people, but city life itself just doesn't suit me. Finding a community in rural areas is difficult, but not impossible.