‘I see being bisexual as being totally intertwined with the core of who I am.’

Pronouns: she / her

Content warning: reference to being outed

Names have been redacted to protect anonymity

Tell us about your sexuality, and any terms you align with
I identify as bisexual. I also really like the words gay and queer. Because I have a strong sexual preference for women, I really identify with the word gay, I think it reflects how far away from being straight I am. I've never felt straight in my whole life, so using these words feels important to me to validate my identity.

I thought about the word pansexual for a while, as I feel like I could be attracted to any gender, but gender makes a big difference for me in terms of how I like the person - romantically, sexually, both, so perhaps I'm technically omnisexual. But no one outside of the bi+ community has heard of that word! So I would never use it personally. I feel like the word bisexual needs to be reclaimed and heard more, so it's a word I'm very happy to use.

I see a big difference between romantic and sexual attraction. I would describe myself as biromantic and bisexual overall but I have strong preferences within these. Romantically, I lean strongly towards men. I like relationships with men and feel close to them in ways which I haven't felt with women. Sexually, I have a strong preference for women. I notice women a lot more, and fancy a lot more women than men. I like loads of female celebrities but could only name a handful of male celebrities that I like. I don't usually feel sexually attracted to a man until I have to gotten to know him and formed a connection. I have to like his company, find him funny and clever and interesting. Sometimes he would be queer too, and maybe feminine or playing with gender roles - I find these things really attractive. And the man has to find me attractive before I can consider liking him back - I'm a very flirtatious person in general, so I think I usually have a good idea of if someone likes me or not. I don't really know what all these things mean, and it's not something I worry about too much. Once I do fancy a man, I feel strongly about him, romantically and sexually, and I feel closer to them than I do with women, because of the bond we have made.

I really identify with the idea of sexual fluidity. My romantic preference for men seems really quite stable, but I see my sexual attraction as changing across days, weeks, months, years. The idea of my sexuality being the exact same all of the time is completely alien to me. I think generally my sexual preference for women always remains, but the degree to which I prefer them alters. At times, I've exclusively found women attractive for a while, but then I return to finding other people attractive again too. Sometimes it's clear to me why I feel like this, like if I've met someone new who I've found attractive, but usually it seems completely random. When I change like this it feels so real to me. I see myself as a bit of an unreliable narrator, in that it's hard to remember how I've felt in the past, because the way I feel presently feels so real to me. But who cares anyway? It's only how I feel now that's important. I'm married to a bisexual man, and my feelings for him, romantically and sexually, never change. He's so wonderful about it and has always said, "the only thing that's important is that we love each other."

Personally I see being bisexual as a huge part of my personality. I see myself as such an open person, very liberal, super curious, flirtatious and impulsive too. I realise some of these things are big stereotypes for bisexual people, but that's really how I am and I'm ok with that. I see being bisexual as being totally intertwined with the core of who I am.

Has coming out been part of your experience? If so, what did coming out mean to you?
My experience was definitely shaped by being brought up in a very rural area, where I didn't know any queer adults at all. I grew up in quite a conservative household, where the TV would be turned off if there were gay people on, and we didn't really know anyone outside of our little white, straight village. I remember from about the age of 9 or 10 that I felt this disconnection from the other girls at school. They would be talking about boys they fancied and I had no idea what they were talking about. Then I realised that I liked girls, fancied them, I remember always thinking about female popstars, and wishing they weren't singing about liking men, why weren't they singing about women instead? I felt absolutely nothing about boys, so I deduced that I must be a lesbian. I was about 10 when I told my family that I would never marry anyone or have my own children. I didn't tell them why at this point. My self-esteem at the time was so low, I genuinely thought that I'd spend my life alone, because who would want to be with someone who had thoughts like me, and I thought that lesbians couldn't have children, because it was 1999 and this just didn't happen then. And I thought "I can't tell anyone about this awful part of me". Even at a really young age I felt that I would have to move far, far away to live my life in a more accepting place. That's how I remember feeling. I remember my family laughing at me fondly for saying these things, but when I look back I'm proud of the younger me who was figuring out who they were and starting to share this with people at such a young age.

I had my first experiences with girls. One of the girls told her younger sister, who then went out of her way to tell everyone about it and that I was a lesbian. She would shout at me in the street, on the school bus and in front of my family, to make sure that everyone would know. In such a small village it didn't take much for everyone to hear about it. There were other girls at school who would call me a lesbian too. The amount of shame I felt was awful, but also I remember thinking that I could handle it, that my other gay friends were having a harder time than me, and I clearly remember thinking, "I'm not so sure, maybe I'm not technically a lesbian!", which used to make me laugh! And it helped me make a little bit of light out of what otherwise would have been quite a dark time. And now, when I look back, I don't think it was such a bad thing to be outed so young, because at the end of the day I got through it, had great friends, and I could just be totally myself.

It was a few years later when I realised I liked boys too, and started to go out with them. A few of my friends at school were gay, and loads of my friends outside school were queer, so I felt like I could be completely myself and no one really questioned me. I could go to parties and be with boys or girls, and no one cared. No one made me define myself. I guess because it was such a rural area, we were allowed to run free in a way - there were no adults around, there was a lot of alcohol and drugs, and always loads of people. But there was never any pressure to be a certain way or to do certain things. I feel so lucky to have been friends with such open, accepting people. We were like a little community of people who didn't quite fit in, who didn't quite belong, but with each other we could be completely ourselves.

I had a few boyfriends, and I came out to them all, or sometimes they knew already. They were always fine about it, sometimes they thought it was cool, sometimes it was just no big deal, some of them were at least "bi-curious" anyway. I think that just says a lot about the accepting crowd I was in, it was just a really wonderful place to grow up like that. Then I had my first proper girlfriend when I was 17. We had to keep it a secret as she wasn't 'out', not that I'm sure how she would identify anyway as we never discussed it. We also both had boyfriends at the time. I finished with my boyfriend as I only wanted to be with her, but she didn't end things with her boyfriend. The whole situation hurt me so much, as I was so ready for everyone to know that I was in love with this girl. She was so cold with me in front of other people once we started going out, and she would get so mad with me if I tried to hold her hand or kiss her when no one was looking. But then privately she was completely different, and hyper-sexual. In the end I finished things, I felt like she was just using me, like her dirty little secret which wasn't a nice feeling at all. She was so mad at me she started a rumour at school that I was pregnant. This really makes me laugh now, I was in a lesbian relationship! So I guess that was another layer to coming out, having to awkwardly explain to family and friends that, actually, it wasn't possible for me to be pregnant!

I then moved to a university far away, and had a fantastic time and made brilliant friends, but I feel like I lost my identity a bit on the way. At university, I made friends with a group of straight women, and a different group of straight men. For some reason, I felt like I could be open about being bisexual with the men. But with the women it was like no one knew about my past experiences, I passed for straight and everyone assumed that was who I was, especially as I didn't identify as lesbian. Like that idea that you have to be one or the other - straight or gay. I wasn't really sure what to do, and I still wasn't totally sure if I was bisexual or maybe a lesbian in a bi phase. So I decided to try to date women exclusively. But there was always this barrier, where, because they were actually lesbian, I think they thought I wasn't "lesbian enough", and inside I definitely felt like I wasn't "gay enough" to fit in with them, like I didn't understand the rules of their world. I got to know one woman in particular, but she would get so annoyed with my constant questions like, "how did you know you were a lesbian?" and she didn't trust me, especially around men. So then I decided to just date men, which was also a complete disaster. My self-esteem was very low and I just had no idea who I was. I had several one-night stands with men but found that I physically couldn't do it and ended up leaving halfway through every single time, I just physically wasn't able to enjoy sex with them. This just made me even more confused. I wanted sex with women but not really with men, but I felt romantic about men and not women! Now that I know myself much better, I realise that with men I can be really sexually attracted to them once I know them well enough. But it took years to figure this out, and was definitely a barrier to me identifying as actually being bisexual, instead of trying to fit into the label of straight or lesbian.

And then I met the man who would later become my husband. He identifies as bisexual as well, which was a huge part of the attraction for me. I just feel like he totally gets me, and I really understand him too, in a way in which I never understood straight men at all. I don't remember coming out to him, or him coming out to me, I think it was just something we always knew and saw in each other, this wonderfully different way of looking at the world that we both shared. We "came out" as bisexual to a few of our friends together, which always makes me laugh now as I remember the shock on people's faces that we could both be bi! But it was a wonderful experience to share. And through him I met some really loud, out and proud bisexual people, which really helped me to become comfortable with thinking, yes, I'm bi, and that's fine, and this won't change.

Now that I'm married and in a straight facing relationship, I find things harder in terms of coming out to new people that I meet. On the surface we look like any other heterosexual couple. But it doesn't feel like that. Neither of us are straight! There are loads of people who I'm not "out" to. It feels very personal to explain to people that, "yes I have a husband, but I also like women too!" It sounds so random and overtly sexual. I don't ever hear straight or gay people reaffirming which gender they find attractive - it's assumed because of their orientation. So for me, there's almost still some shame in talking about the "other" side of me who finds women attractive, and it feels like a very personal, sexual side to share, which I'm just not comfortable sharing with everyone. But as time has gone on I've found that actually, I want to be out to more people so that I can feel like I'm being completely open and completely myself, as these values are so important to me. These days, if I feel like it, I "out" myself with a joke or a throwaway comment like, "oh I remember one time with my girlfriend...", or talking about a female celebrity I find attractive but really hamming it up. Any way to out myself without actually saying, "I'm bisexual" basically, which is a bit sad in ways.

Have you had any memorable responses from other people about your sexuality?
I think most people have been quite positive. There was definitely a culture amongst my friends growing up that trying things out and exploring things was totally fine so long as you were a good person, so I feel very fortunate in that way, and I never felt judged. And I guess those are the kinds of friends I've always made anyway. Just liberal, open people, who haven't really judged me at all. All of my friends up until when I met my husband knew I was bisexual without me having to spell it out or remind them, as it was pretty obvious from my actions! When I've told people since meeting my husband it's also generally been really positive. I have straight friends who wish me a happy pride month, and LGBTQ+ friends who totally accept who I am and who make me feel like I belong, like I'm "one of them", just through little things like making queer jokes with me. And both straight and queer friends who really make the effort to "remember" that I'm bisexual, like if we're talking about celebrities we think are hot or ex boyfriends/girlfriends, where they make the effort to include all genders. Things like that make a huge difference to me.

Straight men have always been an interesting one, as every single one of them have asked for a threesome. This didn't really bother me at the time, but looking back I feel a bit more uncomfortable about it, as though they were fetishizing my sexuality and just using me, hoping that it would happen. I also think most straight men assumed when I said that I'm bi, that what I'm really saying is that I like to kiss women when I'm drunk. That's what they think a bi woman is. So then once they got to know me, and find out that this isn't what I mean at all, they didn't like that. I've had a few ex-partners feeling like they couldn't trust me, and that I would cheat on them with a woman. There was one man in particular who was absolutely disgusted with me once I told him about my past experiences, telling me, "you can't do that with a woman and not be a lesbian!". I wish I'd been more self-assured at the time to stand up for myself more, but I kind of accepted his opinion and stayed with him for a bit anyway.

Straight women seem to be very curious about it, and I've been asked some really personal questions. No one is interested in my experiences with men, because that's the heteronormative way to be. But my experiences with women, wow, they have so many questions, as though it's fair game to ask about that. They want to know things like - how many women, what was the situation leading up to it, if I was drunk, exactly what we did. As though they want to get the measure of "how gay" I am. They always assume that anything with a woman must have been a "one off". It's like they see my liking women as an "other" side of me, a gay side, not my "real heterosexual side" - which is the side that they see. And a side which for some reason they have a right to know all about. It's such a personal, sexual conversation. I don't think I've ever asked friends (straight, gay, etc) about their sex lives! Which just goes to show, I think, how much more accepted straight and gay people still are in society in general. I've also had straight female friends being really quite unaccepting if I mention my attraction to non-binary people, queer men or feminine men. I remember one conversation with a friend, where we were talking about a male celebrity I liked. We always thought he was gay, but that morning I had found out that he's actually bisexual. I was joking with my friend that now he's bi I have a chance with him! But her reaction was awful, she said, "ugh, why would you fancy a bi man?" This was so hurtful in so many ways. I feel like my straight female friends deep down just think women should like straight cis men. For one thing, this sounds so boring to me! And also totally invalidating to someone like me as I'm not even straight myself!

I found that lesbians in general haven't trusted me either, and I never felt like I belonged to their world at all. But I think that feeling didn't just come from them but from within me too, that feeling of not being "gay enough". It always felt as though I was invading their space, or pretending I was like them but not quite measuring up. But I can't say that was their fault or anything, I think most of that feeling came from within me.

My most positive experiences have been with other bi people of all genders. It has just never been an issue with them, it's not something I've needed to explain or justify to them, and equally I felt like I totally understood them as well. At one point I dated a bisexual man with a strong preference for men. I have a strong preference for women! But together we just clicked. There's something about being in relationships with other queer people that just really works for me. We get each other, and sexually I've found them to be a lot more open and exciting too, which suits me!

Do you think your gender (if any) affects how people react to your sexuality?
Definitely. As a bisexual woman, I sometimes feel like I've had it a bit "easier", in that I think it's much easier to be a bi woman than a bi man. It seems a lot more socially accepted than being a bi man, where lots of people assume they're gay. Most people, if I tell them that I like women too, just think it's totally fine, as though it's accepted that everyone finds women a bit attractive. Or they think it just means I like kissing women when I'm drunk, which lots of straight women do anyway. So sometimes I feel like, because I'm a woman, my sexuality is watered down by people, they can't seem to understand that I don't just find women a bit attractive, and I don't just like kissing them if I'm drunk, but that I'm properly sexually attracted to them. It's so frustrating to feel like people can't or don't want to understand bisexuality, and I often find myself dropping in jokes about things I've done with women, or going on about crushes I've had, or girlfriends, like I have something to prove to them, or like I need to reveal really personal details just to get them to understand that I'm not just a "bit bi-curious".

Do you think the gender of your romantic or sexual partner has affected people's perceptions of your sexuality?
Yes definitely. When I was with women, people assumed I was a lesbian. Now that I've married a man, everyone assumes that I'm straight. For some reason the straight label annoys me so much more than being labelled a lesbian! I don't identify as being straight or hetero in any way. I know that my straight facing relationship gives me a "straight passing privilege". I can walk down the street with my husband holding hands, never worrying what will happen. We can visit any country and not be afraid of what people might say or do. But also this feels like bi erasure. It feels unfair that in order to be visible I have to actually out myself, which is basically like divulging personal information, like saying, "yes I like sleeping with men and women", which is such a deeply, personal thing to feel like you have to share just to get people to understand you or truly know you.

It's always felt a bit weird explaining that I actually like women too now that people assume I'm straight. Some people don't seem to understand what the big deal is, like, "you're married now so what difference does it make?" But being bi is a huge part of me. My experiences growing up have shaped me. I feel connected to LGBTQ+ issues and people, I've experienced questioning and coming to understand my identity, coming out, being rejected by people simply because of my sexuality. If I want to talk about school or university I can't do that openly and honestly without mentioning girlfriends as well as boyfriends. I can't talk about pop culture growing up without mentioning that the reason I liked lots of female singers was not actually because of the music! I can't talk about my first experiences without also saying that, actually, these were with girls. Being perceived as straight feels like I'm hiding a huge part of myself.

Are there any words / phrases that you've encountered as being associated with your sexuality?
Cheating. Lots of people have assumed that I will cheat on them / cheat on my partner with another gender.

Lesbian / straight, depending on who I'm in a relationship with.

Alternative. This is a funny one! My mum calls me "alternative" She's never referred to me as bisexual or anything else. It makes me laugh, as though I'm just a little bit different, like it's a lifestyle choice. It doesn't offend me at all and in some ways I can see what she means, in that I do see being bisexual as just being me. It's like her way of acknowledging that I'm not straight / heteronormative.

Cool. One of my best friends maintains that I'm the coolest person she knows, and I'm sure it's just because I'm bisexual! As I'm not really a cool person at all!

Do you feel that you see enough representation of your sexuality in culture / media / beyond?
Not at all, I've very rarely seen bisexuals on TV. Sometimes LGBTQ+ specific shows / podcasts / social media will mention the bi+ community, but some are better than others. I find it fascinating how bisexuality is rarely mentioned in gay/lesbian media, as bi women like women too! And bi men like men too! But it just seems like they aren't mentioned very often, which is so frustrating as they are big communities and I would personally have loved to have felt more welcome in the lesbian community. Generally, I don't feel represented at all, especially not in mainstream culture. I have friends, gay and straight, who aren't even sure what bisexuality is! So we definitely need more representation. I'd love to see some more characters in shows who just happen to be bi+, who will talk about it now and again, like casually dropping into conversations about ex boyfriends/girlfriends, or dating someone non-binary, or even just talking about how they feel about different genders, just to remind the audience of who they are.

I feel like it's so important to be represented, and it's so frustrating that, when I was growing up 20 years ago, I didn't know much about bisexuality, I definitely thought that it was something that was just supposed to be a phase, even though deep down I knew that my feelings were real. And I don't think things have changed much which makes me so sad. I'd also love to feel like there was more of a bi+ community, like there are with gay and lesbian communities. But I'm not so sure how this can happen. That's why I was happy to share my story here, as personally I find it so helpful and validating and reassuring to read about people who are similar to me.

What challenges do you face as a person who is attracted to more than one gender?
I think visibility is a huge challenge, as it feels almost impossible to be visibly bisexual. You either appear to be gay or straight depending on your latest relationship. I feel like representation is so important here. The statistics on the mental health of bi+ people are appalling, and lack of representation and understanding must be a huge part of this. And how are you supposed to identify as bi+ if there are no visible people out there who are like you? So that's the biggest challenge in my opinion. There needs to be much better bi+ representation, and resources looking at the mental health of bi+ people specifically.

Where do you feel most confident expressing your sexuality? Are there and spaces or communities that make you feel especially welcome?
With good friends and family I feel like I can be totally myself. I don't have loads of experience in queer spaces as I didn't feel like I belonged. But with people who know me well I'm happy to be open and honest and totally queer if I feel like it.