‘I was kind of sheltering my sexuality, I think’

Pronouns: she / her

Content warning: None

Names have been changed and redacted to protect anonymity

How do you describe yourself? 

I consider myself bisexual. I consider myself a bisexual woman.

What feels good about the term bisexual?

It's a term that I've known way longer than pansexual or polysexual. And when I was determining my sexuality and realising I wasn't heterosexual. That was a term I went to and I liked it. It does mean that there's two parts to me. There's the part of me that identifies or attracts to women and the part of me that attracts to men or masculine and feminine.

Referring to bisexuality or pansexuality, are there any terms that you don't particularly like, for any reason?

No, actually, to each their own. If somebody were to call me pansexual, It wouldn't bother me. 

Do they mean kind of the same thing to you? Or do you feel there are separate distinctions between them for you?   

Yeah, to me, I'm pretty open with my sexuality, I guess. And if somebody called me something that didn't fit me quite right, I would explain to them why it didn't. But as far as somebody calling me pansexual, or bisexual, yeah, they do feel pretty much the same to me, even though they may not to somebody else.

When did you first become aware of your sexuality? 

My bisexuality, I actually came out and identified as bisexual just last year. I always was attracted to women. And I think my mom was a big part of with why I didn't realise. I'm thinking now that she probably was bisexual and either didn't know it herself, or just we never discussed it. But I was always raised to think it's normal and fine to be attracted to both sides. And I thought everybody was. And so it wasn't until really last year… for one thing my mom passed. So I started just looking into other things, to other parts of myself. And I also came very close with a same sex (friend). And we just started having a lot of conversations. And that's when I started to realise: "Oh, everybody doesn't feel this way. Do they?" And I started to look into it and realise I'm bisexual.

You mentioned that you came out last year?    

Yes. 

Is that to most people, or is it to a select few? How has it been?

Well, I came out officially to my husband, and to our very close circle of friends. But the way I've been doing it has just been, aside from I guess, my husband, just in conversation. That something will just come up and I'll be like: "Yeah, as a queer woman, I... blah, blah, blah." And it's funny because some of my friends knew and didn't have any thought about it. But other friends have been like: "Wait, stop. Is this how you're coming out to me?" It's not necessarily that I'm going to be bringing a woman home to Thanksgiving dinner because I'm married to a man. So it doesn't need to be a big conversation, it doesn't need to be something that I need to seek your approval for. It's just who I am.

And the term 'coming out', what does that term mean to you? 

I think coming out is accepting who you are, and being able to be that way all the time and not being concerned about what other people are gonna think.

And when you have spoken to people about your sexuality, have you had any sort of responses from individuals or groups when they have learned that you're bi?

Yeah, mostly it's been very just like: "Oh, okay, you know... big deal, who cares?" I had a female friend who I've known for a very long time. And she had almost like a recoiling type [gestures recoiling in disgust] from me, and I thought that was very odd.  I did talk to her about it and just called her out, I said: "What was that?" And she completely said: "Oh, it wasn't about that. just weird coincidence." So I'm chalking it up to that, but it still is there in the back of my head. Did she think I was about to hit on her? She should know better than that. And then, my husband has a close knit group of friends from high school that he's not necessarily super close with anymore, but I came out around them. And one of them texted him later and said: "Sorry, if you need anything, let me know." So that was a little weird. But other than that, it's all been very positive, just those two instances.

But in the two instances where it wasn't necessarily (positive) how did they make you feel? 

The one with the female friend; I was uncomfortable. I was glad that we were able to talk about it pretty much right away. So I didn't have to carry it around for too long. The male friends... We kind of aren't surprised. That's why they're not necessarily super close anymore.

And how about positive examples? Can you give me any examples of positive responses that you've heard from people?  

Yeah, so I actually came out to my sister in law. Again, didn't think that it really was much of her business. But knowing that it's a good thing to just have people out there know that there are bisexuals that look, and everything, like 'hetero normal.' But I came out to her because I strongly suspected her daughter was bi or queer or something. She's about 13. And it became just that conversation basically, that she's like: "Oh, great. I'm so happy for you. I love you. You're always going to be my sister." And then two days later, she's like: "So would you mind talking to my daughter?"

So it was a positive experience for you then?   

Yeah, and actually, she since has come out as bi, my niece. 

Ah! Congratulations to your niece! Do you feel being a bisexual woman has affected the responses you've had from people?

I would say that it probably has, but I probably don't notice it. Since I've only been out for about a year, and since I'm married to a man, I don't get a lot of responses about me being bi because I pass as hetero. But I do have a rainbow bumper sticker. And we have a rainbow flag. And my husband actually is a huge supporter, obviously. He's also non binary. So he has something on his truck. And he has pointed out several times that when he's driving this truck with the pride flag on it, he gets some very aggressive behaviour from other truck drivers. I don't notice that it might be happening to me too. And I'm just not paying attention. So it could be, but I just ignore it. 

Did you mention that your husband is non binary?     

Yes. He also just came to that last year. So we both had a big year of transitioning.

That's fantastic that you can support each other.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry, so your husband's pronouns, are they ‘he/him’? Or is ‘they/them’ better? 

Yeah, he normally does he/him. Again, still trying to figure it out. I mean, he presents as this cisgender man, but he wears a skirt when wants to wear a skirt. 

Do you find being in a relationship with, for want of a better term, someone who ‘passes’ as cis male, do you find that affects the responses that you've had some times?

Again, not really, because we fortunately have a great friendship base, and he presents as cis (male) 99% of the time. So if we're out in public, he looks like a cis-gendered, masculine, male. But our friends do know how he feels. And just maybe a few months ago over the summer, they showed up at our house, and they came up the back way, because they had a dog with them. And we just have an open door policy, but they showed up and (he) was wearing a skirt. And I looked at him real quick, and went: "You can run, and I can just stall them for a second." He was like: "Ah, No." And there was no conversation about it. No... anything. One time, right as they were leaving, our one friend said: "It was great to see you in your skirt." And that was it. So, you know, most people have no idea that he's non binary, the ones who do, they're wonderful people.

Are you aware of any words or stereotypes that are associated to the bisexual community?

Oh, yeah, As I was coming out, I kept rehearsing in my mind, what I would do if somebody said: "Well, how can you be bi if you're married to a man?"

What did you practice saying in that response?     

Well, I had a couple of different responses, depending on who it was. I have been with my husband since I was a teenager. So if it was somebody who I was very open with, and who knows I've been with my husband most of my life. It would be: "It doesn't mean that I can't also be with a woman." I did use that a couple of times. But it wasn't in response to anyone specifically asking, I just went: "I realised I could be with a woman and my husband, it's okay.". I know I like women and I know I like men, I don't have to kiss them to know that. That's the D- Rated version.

So it was mostly people going: "But how can you be this because you appear straight, so therefore you must be straight?" Is that kind of the scenario you were preparing yourself for?

Yes, yes. 

Did you have anybody bring that up? 

No. There's two people that I haven't come out to yet. Just because it hasn't come up in conversation, where I can just slip it in. I'm expecting that and that's my in-laws. I would think that there might be a comment that comes up so I am still preparing myself, but it has never actually come up. 

And in terms of just bisexual women in particular, are you aware of any stereotypes or words or phrases that are associated with bi women?   

I don't want to whitewash it and make it all the same, but a lot of it would be the same as lesbian women. You know, you’re butch, you love Birkenstocks. [LAUGHTER] Short hair. Even though it is odd, because bisexual woman can be very feminine, and there are a lot that are very feminine. But then also the difference from just a gay woman. There's the thought that I'm indecisive. If I'm bisexual, I just don't know yet what I want. I'm indecisive. This is a phase. It's a step and next I'm going to be gay. 

And are you aware of the term bierasure?

No.

So bi erasure is the umbrella term for when someone undermines or questions the validity of bisexual as a valid sexuality. 

Okay.

I'm just curious to see have people heard of the term, or what they associate with the term. I think we've already covered it to be honest from the responses that you have spoken about.

I haven't heard the term but I love it. 

So you've spoken a lot about positive responses that you've had, which is fantastic. Are there any particular spaces or environments where you feel that your sexuality is very much welcomed and accepted?

I mean, obviously, my home. Just me and my husband, my friends' homes, especially the the same sex female couples. One of them has told me that she identifies as bi, even though she's been (with a female partner) a very long time. So it is nice to have that and be able to kind of explain in different ways. She gets that she's just assumed to be lesbian. But she's bi and just as I would 'be hetero' when I'm bi. But the spaces with my friends (in) I feel very comfortable with. There's also a few bars that I used to like to go to until everything got shut down. I don't think necessarily that people maybe knew I was bi, it wasn't a traditional gay bar. But there were just a lot of people of varying genders and sexualities, and it just felt comfortable.

And you mentioned that briefly that people assume your bi friend is gay and they assume that you're straight. That kind of assumption, how does that make you feel?

It's a big part of why I decided to really come out and start telling people. Because when I realised I was gay, I thought: "It doesn't matter to anybody. I'm married to a man, it doesn't matter." But I did realise that there are a lot of homophobic people out there that do have these stereotypes and these beliefs about what it means to be queer or bisexual or gay. And I started to think that it would be (good) for those people to see I can have a happy hetero marriage and be a functioning adult and a professional in the workforce and be bisexual. So I thought that was important to put it out there for people.

If you were heading to the theatre, or to catch a film or something, and you knew you were going to see a bisexual character on stage or on the screen, what would you like to see?

Part of me would love it to be a whole coming of age story of a bisexual person. That, of course, would be lovely. But I think too, I would just like to see it just be a character, just like somebody in their 70’s and somebody in their 20’s. And there's a bisexual and there's a straight person, and they they're sitting there this woman is sitting there with her girlfriend, and they're kissing and snuggling. And there's a hetero couple doing the same thing. It's just comfortable. It's just like life is. But I would also just like to see it be a normalised part of a movie or TV.

Is there anything you'd like to talk about? 

No, I'm pretty easy. [LAUGHTER] There is one thing that I kind of hit on and it may be anything to do with anything you care about. But it's a little something I mentioned. I'm imagining my mother was probably bisexual. And why I think that, aside from what I said, of just her raising me thinking that women are attractive. My mother later in life became part of the BDSM lifestyle. And she was full on into it. And I'm super close with my mom. I know things about her that daughters should not know about their mothers. So I definitely think that was a big part of what moulded me. But it also she passed away last year and that's why I came out last year. It was also somehow freeing when she passed, sexually. Because I think knowing that even though my mom lived in another state, if I went to a club, or if I did something, my mom could be there. [LAUGHTER]

It's amazing that your mum was able to talk to you about being part of the BDSM movement and everything. How was that for you? 

It was a slow beginning. But when I showed up, because had divorced my dad, she was with my dad when this happened. But when I showed up to see her, and she had a little teeny lock on her necklace, I just started touching it. And I'm like: "So what's this?" And she goes: "Uh, you knew right away it, didn't you?" I'm like: "Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I have friends. I know what happens in the world." So she pretty much realised I knew and that she just, she (should) just come clean and tell people what's going on.

Do you think that had a positive impact in your life or a negative impact in your life? Or your coming out or your coming of age story yourself?    

Yeah, I think now it's a huge positive. Because I'm not embarrassed about what I do, what I want to do. This may sound horrible, but she did way more. [LAUGHTER] But at the time, I think that it wasn't negative. I didn't realise it at the time. But now I can see that it was a little bit of a negative because she was willing to tell me about everything and wanted to know about me. And I would just kind of shut it off because I did not want to expose all of that. And I was kind of sheltering my sexuality, I think. Just because I was uncomfortable talking about all that. Even though my mom talked about it all, and I was comfortable talking about it with her, there just was a line that I wasn't willing to cross. And so that was a little bit of a negative. And I've spoken about it with my husband, even when we started delving into things. And yeah I think I was a little penned up because of that. But now I see that she was just teaching me so much.

What a gift. Also, yeah I can imagine how that was strange. [LAUGHTER]

Yes. Yeah, I won't tell my kids all those things.

Did you get a chance to tell your mom (about your sexuality) before she died? 

I did not, because I didn't realise until after. But I'm pretty sure that she knew. She made some comments, she started thinking I was into the BDSM lifestyle, looking back I'm like: "No, I don't think that's what she meant." I think she was trying to push me towards: "Your queer. There's something going on there."

Well, she sounds like an amazing woman.    

Thank you. She was.

And thank you. You're amazing, too.