‘It made a huge difference to know that there were people in the community who believed I counted and that I had a right to be there’

Pronouns: she / they

Content warning: references to biphobia

Names have been changed and redacted to protect anonymity

How do you self-describe? 

I self-describe as a cis(-ish), queer woman.

In terms of your sexuality, are there any terms you strongly feel aligned to or feel you strongly disagree with? (Such as the term ‘queer’ or ‘bi/pan’.) 

I prefer the term ‘Queer’ for myself, although because historically it’s a very loaded term, I wouldn’t use that term for anyone else unless I knew that they already used it in regards to themselves. 

I also don’t mind the term ‘bi’, but only because it seems like a good ‘shorthand’ to use with people, but it does seem somewhat of a problematic term because some people apparently think that bi people are transphobic simply because ‘bi’ means two. I don’t agree with that at all, bi people aren’t transphobic, but sometimes you just don’t want to go down that road with people.

Even though I think, technically, I am closer to being ‘pan’ rather than bi, for some reason that term doesn’t sit well with me. I'm not entirely sure why, maybe because it's a newer term.

 What do you associate with those terms? What feels good about those terms? 

Queer is good, I think it does a better job of encapsulating my whole identity, my gender expression, my sexuality, and my gender politics. It instantly lets people know I’m not straight, and it helps show people my politics as well, I feel. I feel really lucky to be queer, the term itself feels like a reclaiming and a celebration. It feels like a huge 'fuck you' to those who don’t support the LGBTQ+ community. Saying that though, I feel the term should be used respectfully and with the presence of mind that some people within the community actively find it distressing. Like I said, I wouldn’t use it to refer to someone else, unless I knew they used it themselves.

When did you first become aware of your sexuality?  

I think I knew from around the age 10(ish) that I was attracted to girls as well as boys, but I found it really confusing. It wasn't something I really felt I could talk about with family or friends, I just thought it was yet another thing that was wrong with me. 'Gay' was an insult used on the playground. I remember having to ask my Nannan what it meant, and she replied it was 'boys who like other boys, but we don't really talk about that'. 'Lesbian' was practically unheard of. I didn't want to be made fun of, so I didn't really talk about it and decided that I should pretend to be straight. 

'Bi' wasn't a term that I had heard of until I got to around the age of 14, and I only discovered the term after sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night to try and watch the terrible soft porn on channel 5. I was curious about sex and seeing both the men and the women in the films always made me feel really confused by fascinated at the same time, it felt like a thrill, and it filled me with a lot of shame. However, one night an extra woman appeared in the film and referred to herself as 'Bisexual' and there was some terrible dialogue about 'liking more than men', which hit a chord with me. But then the film progressed, and the bisexual woman was used and then treated horrifically by both the other partners, and then was ignored after her part had been played. 

I remember feeling horrified and afraid, I thought that if this is what it meant to like 'more than men' then I didn't want it. I didn't want to become an object for other people's gratification and ridicule. I didn't want people to know that that was who I was, so I continued to hide it. (Terribly, I might add, every time I got drunk at a house party, I always came out to one of my closest friends, I would immediately deny it all the next morning, pretending it was a joke.) 

As I got older I realised that I was attracted to the person regardless of their gender, which I now see is a wonderful and beautiful thing, but it's taken me a very long time to be able to recognise that within myself with pride, and even longer for me to talk about it.

Has coming out been part of your experience?  

In a way yes and no. I spent so long pretending I wasn't bi, it became a knee jerk reaction to tell people I was straight. I felt so guilty about hiding and lying to people, but I was more afraid of the rejection I thought I would face. As the years went on, I mentioned it quietly to a few close friends, I realise now I was testing the water, seeing how they reacted, seeing if they stuck around, thinking that if they were ok with it, then perhaps I could be ok with it too.

I had always been in relationships with cis men, so part of me felt like a fraud coming out, I felt that I couldn't say I was queer if I was in a straight relationship.

When I was 30, I was working in Australia at the fringe with some friends, some of whom are openly gay, bi, lesbian, and we went to see Reuben Kaye perform in Perth. At the beginning of their set they ran onto stage and asked all the gay people to cheer, then all the lesbians to cheer, then all the 'hets' to cheer. When they asked for the straight people to cheer I went to get up, but I froze, halfway out of my seat. I realised I'd hit a wall, I couldn't keep pretending anymore. I hovered half out of my seat awkwardly, not knowing what to do until Reuben asked for all the 'bi's and queers' to cheer. And I did. I cheered and screamed and I cried throughout the rest of the show and knew I had to start being honest to myself.

I'm with an amazing cis guy who is 100% supportive, when I got home, I sat him down and told him that I was bi, that I'd always been bi, but that I loved him and wanted to keep being with him. He told me he didn't care, he loved me too and asked me if I'd like a cup of tea.

Since then, I've told more and more people, now I openly mention it to new people I meet or on social media. But for some reason I still haven't told my family. I think they already know, but I think they don't want to know, if that makes sense. I'm hopefully being far too pessimistic about their opinions on the LGBTQ+ community, but part of me is still a bit too scared to find out. If I'm honest, I'm being a coward and hoping they get the gist from social media.

What does ‘coming out’ mean to you? 

It means being honest with yourself and letting the people around you in. It means learning to celebrate yourself for who you are and not listening to the people that would undermine you or your sexuality/gender.

Have you had any responses from individuals or groups regarding your sexuality? 

Yep! Various!

What sort of responses have you received from a person or group after they have learned  of your sexuality?  

Mostly they have been positive. In the nicest possible way, most people don't really care, which I like because it just reinforces the fact that it's completely normal. A few haven't been amazing, a few have been shit with people telling that they'd never be able to date me because I'd clearly be too untrustworthy and one was outstandingly negative.

Do you feel being a bisexual person of your gender (if any) affects what reactions you have  experienced?  

Yeah - I think bi women get overtly sexualized, people think we're 'doing it' for attention and for the male gaze, which is just gross to be honest. My relationships aren't for other people's pleasure.

There's also this assumption that you'll try it and go back to being straight after you've 'got it out of your system'. Which is completely wrong, but I find it really hard to counter, considering I'm in a heteronormative relationship. People assume I'm pretending to be bi. I'm as queer as the day is long, I love my boyfriend, but that doesn't change mysexuality.

Bi/pan/queer men have a whole different set of stigma to fight against which I can't even imagine as do members of the GNC/Trans community who identify as Bi+.

Do you think the gender (if any) of your sexual or romantic partner/s (current or previous)  has affected the reactions you have had towards your bisexuality?  

I've only been in ‘proper’ relationships with cis men, so I experience some erasure because I'm not 'proving' my sexuality and people instantly assume I'm straight. But I know if I was with a woman then people would instantly assume I'm gay, and I'd still have the same issue of having to 'prove' that I'm bi.

Are you aware of any words/phrases or stereotypes (that you know of) that have been  associated with people of the bisexual community? 

Greedy, indecisive, untrustworthy, unfaithful, promiscuous, can't sit on chairs right, 'fake gays', women just angry at men, on the way to coming out as gay/lesbian, transphobic (because some people believe bi people are only attracted to cis men or cis women, just pretending, doing it for attention, into astrology, into chem sex, that we’re unicorns just doing it for the straight couples, just not had good enough dick, the list goes on, to be honest.

Are there any words/phrases or stereotypes (that you know of) that have been associated  with bisexual people of your gender? (if any) 

Same as above really.

What do you understand by the term ‘Bi Erasure’? 

The seeking to undermine a bi/pan/queer person's sexuality as not real, the seeking to marginalise bi/pan/queer people.

Have you ever had any negative responses? 

I tried to come out to a boyfriend when I was 18, it didn't go well. As I was trying to open up to him about it, he told me 'I hope you're not trying to tell me that you're bi, because that means you're a slut and will cheat on me.'

I didn't feel secure enough in myself to tell him he was wrong, so I took it all back. Sadly it took me a good few years after that to get rid of him. I’m sure he still thinks I’m a slut. Good luck to him.

Can you give an example or an account of where you have felt your sexuality has not been  welcomed or accepted?  

I mentioned it to a friend while we were sat in a bar with my boyfriend. After the usual jokes, the first thing he said was that he couldn't date a bi person, because he'd always be terrified that they'd cheat on him, because 'bi people need to scratch "both" itches'. I'm assuming that he meant that he thought bi people craved both penises and vaginas, which is just weird!

In an instance when you have felt someone has reacted negatively to your sexuality, can you remember a particular word or phrase someone may have said to you that really stuck with you? How did that make you feel?  

'Slut'. It made me feel really dirty and shameful. I'm not a slut, there's nothing wrong with enjoying sex! Women are overtly sexualized and then condemned for their sexuality and it's so frustrating. You feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

How have the negative responses you’ve received about your sexuality made you feel?

If anything, they make me understand why I didn't talk about it for so long. It makes me think again before I do tell someone, I have to get a feel for them first before I trust them with that information. It makes me feel really frustrated when people deny you exist when you're standing right in front of them. At the end of the day, it’s my business, not theirs.

Have you ever had any positive reactions to your sexuality? 

Yeah, luckily I've had loads and they've all been incredibly heartwarming and encouraging.

Can you give an example of where you have felt your sexuality has been welcomed and  accepted? 

After I told my boyfriend I was bi, I called my best friend who lives in the USA and is gay. She was delighted (and not in the least bit surprised) and she welcomed me to the LGBTQ+ community. It was such a small thing, but it made a huge difference to know that there were people in the community who believed I counted and that I had a right to be there.

Where do you feel most confident expressing your sexuality? In what spaces or communities do you feel most welcomed/accepted? 

With my friends and partner, it's gotten to the point where it's not even a thing anymore, which is really nice. I have a group of queer friends, and sometimes it's just nice to be around other queer people, I’m actively looking for and more for queer communities to join. I'm getting more and more confident every day, which is a really lovely feeling.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

I'm so happy that I'm finally able to talk about it and that for the most part people are willing to listen and accept me as I am.