‘I don’t know exactly what I am, I just know that I’m not straight’

Pronouns: she / her / they / them

Content warning: None

Which pronouns do you use?

I use she/her pronouns. Although this is something I have started thinking about recently. I’m also happy with they/them.

How do you self describe? (eg, do you identify as cis, trans, non conforming..)

I’m a cis woman.

In terms of you sexuality, are there any terms you strongly feel aligned to or feel you strongly disagree with? (Such as the term ‘queer’ or ‘bi/pan’.)

This is something I’m not 100% sure of as I feel that different people have different definitions of each. I’ve heard bisexual used as being attracted to more than one gender, but I’ve also heard it used in relation to the gender binary so it becomes more exclusionary. I don’t mind pansexual but generally I find that it’s lesser known so it depends how much I want to explain myself during introductions. My favourite is queer, it just feels good. It’s like, I don’t know exactly what I am, I just know that I’m not straight.

What do you associate with those terms? What feels good about those terms?

This has kinda been covered in the answer before! Queer is the one I tend to choose. It makes me feel like I’m part of a community, without putting myself into a box.

When did you first become aware of your sexuality?

Honestly, I can’t remember a specific moment I realised I wasn’t straight. I’ve been in long term relationships for most of my life, and have only been with men. I’ve been quite lucky I think, in that the people I spent time with when I was growing up were very accepting, and I feel like I grew up with the possibility that seeing a woman was an option. I do remember there were two girls in my school who started dating, I think I was around GCSE age, and I remember looking at them and thinking that that also made sense for me.

Has coming out been part of your experience?

 The first time I actually came out to someone was last year and it was to my partner of 6 years. I think that because we’re in this long-term, monogamous relationship, some part of me had told myself that my bisexuality wasn’t relevant so even though I knew that it was definitely a thing, I had never said it out loud. When I finally did, he told me he knew already and asked me why I’d chosen to tell him then. I realised that although I thought that I’d told him because I wanted him to know, actually I think it was more about just saying it out loud. It is a much bigger part of me than who I find attractive, and I was denying myself a lot I think in not acknowledging it. Since then I’ve tried to be more proactive in slipping it into casual conversations, so I suppose I come out quite a bit now!

What does ‘coming out’ mean to you?

So far, I’ve found coming out quite an affirming experience, although I recognise my privilege with this, as I really can choose whether or not I want to share that part of me. It’s still something I’m very new to, and there are many people in my life I haven’t explicitly spoken to about it. I’ve put little rainbows in my social media bios...

Have you had any responses from individuals or groups regarding your sexuality?

When I came out to my partner I wasn’t sure what to expect. But he was so chilled about it it was almost anti-climactic! And the friends who I’ve spoken to have been really happy that I’ve told them, which is lovely. I’m not out to my parents yet, I worry a bit that they wouldn’t understand how it fits in with my relationship, although they follow me on social media and I share a lot of stuff about bisexuality so maybe they do know.

What sort of responses have you received from a person or group after they have learned of your sexuality?

They’ve been pretty positive on the whole, although I have had the occasional person react in a really overly interested way, like suddenly I’m much less boring than they thought I was because I’m not straight... which made me feel a little weird.

Do you feel being a bisexual person of your gender (if any) affects what reactions you have experienced?

 I do. I think that as a woman when I come out as queer, some people just immediately view that through a sexualised lens which is hard to move away from.

Do you think the gender (if any) of your sexual or romantic partner/s (current or previous) has affected the reactions you have had towards your bisexuality?

I think that because I am a cis woman in a relationship with a cis man that people assume I’m straight, and I think that’s one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to start coming out to people. I haven’t felt like it’s been relevant to their perception of me. I’m glad that’s changing though, the more I embrace my sexuality the more like myself I feel.

Are you aware of any words/phrases or stereotypes (that you know of) that have been associated with people of the bisexual community?

Definitely that bisexual people are ‘undecided’, which I think you find both in straight and LGBTQ+ places sadly.

Are there any words/phrases or stereotypes (that you know of) that have been associated with bisexual people of your gender? (if any)

I can’t think of any gender specific ones. I think that bisexual women are more sexualised than bisexual men, so the ‘greedy’ stereotype might be more prevalent with women. But I think that bisexual men are much less visible than women, it seems to be much less talked about.

What do you understand by the term ‘Bi Erasure’?

When your experience as a bi person is not credited or given space. For example, because I’m a cis woman with a cis man it is often assumed that I’m straight because that’s how society perceives me. I consider that to be bi erasure.

Have you ever had any negative responses?

Not really. I’ve been very lucky so far, and although it’s something I’m comfortable with within myself, I’ve only really just started telling people so I am careful with who I share my sexuality with.

Can you give an example or an account of where you have felt your sexuality has not been welcomed or accepted?

Off the top of my head no, although I’m not ‘out’ everywhere I go. I’ve definitely been in spaces where I don’t feel like I want to share that part of myself yet.

In an instance when you have felt someone has reacted negatively to your sexuality, can you remember a particular word or phrase someone may have said to you that really stuck with you? How did that make you feel?

Thankfully this has not happened to me.

Have you ever had any positive reactions to your sexuality?

Yes, reactions to my coming out have thankfully been very positive. I’ve had friends who’ve known me for most of my life say things like “I’m so happy to hear your news!” Which was lovely because it did feel like news when I told them. Although it’s something I’ve known about myself for a long time, I really didn’t anticipate how much of a difference it’s made telling the people around me.

Can you give an example of where you have felt your sexuality has been welcomed and accepted?

I have some really great people in my life whom I know welcome any part of me, good or bad. I always feel welcome with them, and free to voice anything. I’d say that when I’m with them I feel most accepted.

Where do you feel most confident expressing your sexuality? In what spaces or community do you feel most welcomed/accepted?

I want to go to more queer spaces and explore that more, but I am worried about not being seen as ‘queer enough’. That’s a thought pattern I’m trying to break haha. I think at the moment I feel most comfortable around the people I’m out to, or actually just in my own space. I find I’m very

happy within my skin at the moment, so I do feel safe and empowered just acknowledging my sexuality to myself. I’m still coming to terms with the feeling.

What do you think of Bi/Pan/Queer representation in the media?

I don’t think that there’s much of it actually, and definitely not much that shows bi+ people just living their lives. Often if you do see a bisexual character their narrative revolves around their love-life or their struggle coming out, etc. That wine scene in Schitt’s Creek for me was actually the first time I’ve ever watched something and gone “Yes, that’s what it’s like for me!” I felt so validated suddenly, and accepted. Now I think more programs are following their lead, I watched an episode of Loki the other day where he said he’d slept with men and women and it was just a passing remark, a casual thing. I think that’s what we need more of.