‘Where are the groups that are run and supported by people that look like me?’

Pronouns: she / they / xe

Content warning: strong language

The names used in this interview have been changed to preserve the anonymity of those mentioned

In terms of your own identity how do you self describe?   

 So I consider myself a black, disabled, queer, non-binary, marginalised person. That's, that's everything like, Yes, all that. [LAUGHTER]

And in terms of your sexuality, you used the term bisexual and queer there?

Yes, I do. It depends, usually I read the room, I always say I'm bisexual. But I usually use that more if I'm around the 'straightys'. I usually say that I'm just queer and just, you know, leave it at that. But if, if I'm in a comfortable situation, I'm like 'So I'm bi. And I don't care if you're pan, I'm not hating on you, whatever your label is. That's you. And this is me.' 

What feels good about the terms queer and bisexual for you?

Bisexual for me is real good, because one, that was the first term that I learned besides gay when I was in middle school. Second, when I learned about the history of bisexuals, I'm just like, 'Oh, my God, we have a long and beautiful history that people try to fucking erase'. I love it. For me, it's a tangible thing. It reflects validity, it reflects a lot of my personality traits without making it a personality, if that makes sense. Because it's more of an identity marker… Queer, for me is kind of one of those terms where it's more black and white, where you're just like it's black, it's white, it's grey. It's a descriptive word without having to go into detail. Bisexual is more of the detail that I like to share with people up front, whereas queer is just like, 'Oh, I'm not taking questions.' [LAUGHTER]

You mentioned a few other terms that people use instead of bisexual. So in the term bi visibility, I'm using that as an umbrella term that covers many different terms, be that queer, pan, etc. Are there any terms in that umbrella that you are not particularly fond of for any reason?

Well, here I'm trying to use more of bi+, because I noticed that I'm using a lot more umbrella terms. So when I say bi, I don't want people to go 'Well, what about us? What about us?' So I usually say bi+, so bi and then some. But a term I don't like is 'hetero and homo flexible', that shit grinds my M.F. gears! Oh my god, it's like 'I'm too scared to say bi. Or I don't want to-' You know, if people want to label themselves whatever I respect that, but it's like you're so scared of bisexual or pansexual, polysexual, omnisexual, fluid, queer. You're so scared of these terms that you're like 'Well, I don't want to be connected to that, I still like the hetero or the hormone normativity I still like these things. So I'm just gonna say I'm flexible.' So yeah, those two terms, every time I hear them, I'm just like [Under breath angry muttering, then overly happy] 'Yeah! Okay!' [LAUGHTER]

When did you first become aware that you are bi+?

It was about Middle School. That's when the hormone(s) start to get you. So I was in Year Seven. Everybody was bi and I'm just like 'Well, that's not me ‘cuz I don't follow trends.' You know? I'm quite contrary. You can ask any of my exes or my current girlfriend. So everybody's like 'I'm bi!' I'm just like 'Nope, that's not my jam, I just kiss girls' No, I never got to lesbian. [LAUGHTER] But everybody was like 'This is, this is what it means. This is what it is. We love it!' All my friends were bi, at least for a minute. And I was like 'No, that's not my thing. I'll just randomly kiss you guys, but that's not my thing.' When I got to freshman year of high school, and I was hanging out with what I thought was a diverse crowd. I was like 'Maybe I am bi..' And after kissing my first senior who happened to be a girl, I was like 'Yeah, I think this, I think this bisexual thing is me, I see this.' But I didn't really... that's when I personally accepted it, between year seven and about year nine. So that window of time. But it wasn't until college that I got to connect to it and learn more about the history and be away from home where I could explore. Because I still live at home. I'm still sadly closeted at home. So it's an issue for me, because I like being open and honest and authentic. And you've seen some of the conversations that I've had. And it's done that way to have a space where people can come and talk. Because sometimes I don't feel like I can in my own house. But my sister is pan, so we talk about girls and guys all the time. [LAUGHTER]

So coming out has been part of your experience to some people but not to your family?

I'm definitely out at school, I have a womble ass bisexual flag that I got for my birthday three years ago from a good friend - they're gay. They got me a bi flag and now I need a non-binary flag, but I'll get that shit later. But I'm out to everyone that matters. I even came out on campus, because we have a campus newspaper and October for us is Queer History Month. So the school actually runs a list to show that you, staff, faculty, and students, who's open and who's out. And I put myself on that list for two years. And I had a professor like reading the paper and she's like 'Oh, you're queer!' And I'm like 'Yeah, where were your names?' [LAUGHTER] And then she's like 'Well, what are you trying to say?' I'm like 'Bitch, because you're a lesbian, I've met your wife! Why isn't your name on there?' [LAUGHTER] And she's like 'They didn't ask me because I'm deaf.' And I'm just like 'Ohh!! Rude!' So I got to connect with more people than I thought I would by doing that. I was active in the queer clubs on campus, everyone knows that I'm queer. Even in my personal life, you know, when I meet people, either online or whatever, that's [WAVES] 'Hi, I'm bi!', that's usually my first thing. 

But my mom doesn't know, my dad doesn't know, my grandmother. My immediate and extended family don't know, but my sister does, and I came out to her last year.  And that was a very tumultuous thing because I was extremely scared, extremely wary. Because me and my sister are very close, you know, I was concerned that this would damage our relationship. And we come to find out a bit we had more in common than ever! So I was, I was definitely happy about that. We're 13 years and a week apart.

Amazing!

It is. I don't even know how that works. I'm like, we're both Sagittarius’. But it's one of those things like when people have these coming out stories, and I'm just like 'This ain't a Hallmark movie. I still got to live with these people.' And in the Black community coming out as gay...first of all, gay is seen as a white thing. It's not greatly accepted in the Black community. Everybody's saying there are changes, I don't see that shit, but whatever. My mother is staunchly religious. And I remember telling her when I was younger that I might be bi and she's like 'Oh, that's a phase, that's not something people do.' And I'm like, 'Shut back into the closet, touché, woman, touché'. So I think she knows, because I'm not hiding it, but I'm not talking about it. As soon as I move out we're gonna have a conversation, but as of right now it's really a non-issue because I don't bring dates home. I might talk about certain people that are new in my circle, but I don't bring… especially when they buy me gifts. I don't know if that's a love language, or it's just like giving gifts, whatever. But something my girlfriend bought me, my mom's like 'Oh, that's cute!' I was like '[REDACTED] got it for me and blah, blah, blah.' And she was like 'Who's [REDACTED]?' And I'm like 'She's a friend! Yeah, just gals being pals!' 

Because she [my girlfriend] lives like 30 minutes away, but now we're quarantined again! She'll send me stuff and I'll send her stuff. And yeah, we'll be talking on the phone till like 3 o'clock in the morning. So coming out...I kind of don't like that term. I've noticed that a lot of black and brown people that I've met don't like that term either. Just because it's ‘why is there the assumption that I'm hiding something that I need to come out and say’? Why do you assume that heteronormativity is just this one straight line, and we all are straight? So I don't like the term coming out. But for purposes I understand that you need to use it. So my coming out is constantly, it’s never just a 'you come out once', it's a you come out multiple times to multiple people to see you know 'who's trash this weekend? Who's not?' So, yes. [LAUGHTER]

 And when you have spoken to people about your bisexuality, what sort of responses have you had from people? 

Coming out has been a mixed bag. Unless I know somebody is of some sort of queer, I usually don't disclose, for my own purposes and sometimes for safety. Coming out to my sister, I was extremely nervous but that was very positive. She's like 'Bitch please, I already knew you were bi, I'm pan. We're good.' I'm just like 'Thank you! Oh my god!' I sometimes, I can kind of use that as your ID card in the, in the rainbow worlds, where I'm just like, 'so what type of gay are you?' And they're like 'Excuse me?' It's like, 'Oh, honey, I know you're gay. Just what type? What's your flag? 'Sup?' And I've met some really good friends that way. 

On the negative side, I had a roommate in uni, because I dorm. My first year dorming, I had a roommate who was also Black and female. And she was like two or three years older than me. So, you know, we're rooming together, we're hanging out. Now, at that time, our friend group was younger people, me and her were close to the same age. But we had two younger people. I came out to them because… younger people: so much easier. And we were sitting around. and we were talking about bi people. She's like 'Oh, and they're so greedy. And they can't pick a side, and these cheaters, save some for the rest of us!' And all this, now the two people that were with us knew I was bi, and they're just like, [Gestures an awkward face] and I'm sitting here and I'm just like 'Thank you for giving me reasons for not coming out to people like you.' And she did her little rant and I wanted to start poking holes into her, into her argument, basically. And I was like 'Oh, really? Have you, have you had this personal experience?' 'Well, you know, I've met some people.' 'Oh, you've met people, who are these people? What are their names? Tell me, so I can ask them personally about their experience.' And, you know, she kind of got upset, she's like 'Why are you so concerned? Are you bi?' I said 'As a matter of fact, I am.' And the conversation just basically died then, and everybody sitting at the table just [Pulls sulky faces]. So our friendship started out really strong, but after that it kind of fizzled out.

How did that make you feel?

She was 'dickmatized' anyway, and when I mean that she was going after a guy that really didn't want her and I took personal issue with that. 

What was that term you just used? 'Dickmatized?'

Yes, yes. 'Dickmatized' [Signs in ASL alongside spelling] D I C K M A T I Z E D. Yes. Oh, like being hypnotised but with a penis! Or 'clitmatized' that's, that's usually for the lesbians. Watch that movie 'Girl's Trip'  - they use that term in the film. 

So, our relationship fizzled out. I was hurt because I wanted someone that had some shared experiences with me, especially in age, that I could be comfortable around. And that didn't work. When I met my current best friend, her and I share more… not age, but we share more of a background together. And I said something like, 'And the flag says it all!' My bisexual flag that hangs in my dorm'. And she's like 'Oh, I'm Pan, that's good!' And I'm just like  'Oh my God!'. She's kind of like another little sister because her and my sister are the same age! So, you know, I'm finding more people that I connect with, that accept all of me, I don't take tolerance. Tolerance is just low key hate instead of hate in your face. So if people don't accept the whole of me, then they don't accept me, period. And that goes with the newness of my life being non-binary and poly. If people don't accept these parts of me, then they don't accept me. They don't accept the fact that I have a girlfriend and a significant other that lives outside the country. They don't accept the fact that I meet a lot of people online and some of them are really good friends of mine. They don't accept the fact that sometimes I have low serotonin days, and I don't get off the bed! So if they can't accept me being bisexual, which is like the least problematic part, you don't need the rest.      

Do you feel being a non-binary bisexual person affects the responses you've had from people when they've learned that you're bisexual? Do you think gender comes into it?

Because I have performed female and been socialised female so much, a lot of things that I do are female, which shouldn't be gendered anyway. But also because I am a person of a larger body, I've got huge tits, I've got an ass, I've got roundness in the middle that won't go away, people don't get it. Non-binary is not another word for androgynous. Everyone's expecting like this stick, paper, thin person and I'm like 'No, just me!' So when it comes to gender, people want to start pushing me into 'Oh, well, you’re pan, because you don't care.' 'No, I'm still bi. I'm still bi.' 'But bi means two!' 'Yeah, if you're Latin!' But I haven't gotten a lot of gender... I don't want to say hate, but like 'Oh, I'm specifically looking for a female type person, so I'll do you.' I haven't gotten that because my girlfriend's gender queer. So we're just over here, both hating on gender, going like 'No thank you!' So I haven't gotten that issue yet. I'm pretty sure it's going to arise now that you've spoken it up. But I haven't received that issue yet. I do have a problem with dating a bunch of trans people, because now everybody thinks I'm a chaser. And it's like, I'm really not. I'm just like, open to talk to whoever. And if you're cute let's jive. The last three or four people I've talked to have been trans, but I just don't like people to assume or think that I'm just specifically going for this one group of people when that's not the fact. So trans people tend to date more bi people anyway, so.  They're good people, they're just like anyone else. I don't care what people's parts are, what parts they want. I don't care, If you bi, you're bi. If you're attractive, let's vibe. 

In terms of how people respond to your bisexuality, do you feel the gender of your partner affects that? So you mentioned that you have a girlfriend at the moment? Do you find that people make assumptions on you because your partner is transgender queer? 

We did get some pretty wonky looks once or twice, but if you see us from the back, you'd think we're two lesbians. I hate to use this term, but she 'passes'. So she's got a very asymmetrical face, one of the things I find really attractive about her, but that's neither here nor there. 

Because, before I went on the whole non-binary gender journey, I know that her name is [REDACT] I know that [REDACT], she started, we started dating because she likes women and she thought she was a lesbian. Um, and once I started to do the work and processing of being non-binary, she was like 'Well, that doesn't matter to me, cuz I love you.' I'm just like 'Oh, my sweet, sweet Nomad.' So... I never got any feels that my gender played a role. I feel like it did at the beginning, but not so much now, because I'm more of the assertive partner in the relationship. And she's like 'I trust you.' And I'm just like 'I have a screw loose. I'm pretty sure I do.' She's like 'But you're not going to get us put in jail.' And I'm just like 'I'm not going to jail because I'm Black and we'll die. You're not going to jail because you're white, so!' All that to say, gender is not an issue. And any of my [interactions] online, it sets everything up for us. So if I'm not what you're looking for, then you knew that before you swipe, click, do whatever. So I haven't had any issues with that yet. I do have more issues with people just kind of going like 'You're non-binary??'. 'Yes, bitch, I'm non-binary. Yes. Yes. Don't look at the chest. Just go with what I'm saying.' 

You mentioned a few stereotypes already that have been associated with bisexual people as a whole. Are you aware of any other stereotypes or words or turns of phrases that have been used against bisexual people?

Speaker     

First, I don't like the infighting of black and pan people, like 'Bisexuality used to be the phrase we use now we're using pansexual.' No, sweetie, I don't vibe with pansexuality. I don't mind anyone else that does. But I'm sticking with a term that has a history of supporting people that look like me, and I don't want that erased. Like the stereotypes that come with bisexuality: we can't do math. I can't do math, but it has nothing to do with my sexuality. We can't drive, bitch I got a car and keys. We don't sit in chairs well, I mean, these, these are like nitpicky things that I'm just like, 'A bitch just fat, I'm not trying to fall out of the chair.' We wear our jeans cuffed. I don't know what spaceship these people landed in with the stereotypes, but when my ankles get cold, I'm cold. 

These white people and their ideas of sexuality, like 'Oh, you hit on everybody.' No, I got standards, [LAUGHS] if you're ugly, you're ugly. 'We’re 'cheaters' - you can find cheaters everywhere including the polyamorous community. It’s like Tiger Woods was a cheater and he's not bi. We're 'cheaters', we ‘lie’.

Now I’m starting to break down a lot of that history and understanding of these ideas. And a lot of that stems from the AIDS epidemic in the 70's and 80's, where the rhetoric was that AIDS was just a gay disease. If you're gay, you got it, you died. Straight people don't have to worry about it because they're, you know, they're being heterosexual. But bisexual people, we're like the evil of both sides because 'you're in the gay community doing gay things, but then you go home and you do straight things at home. So that's how it's carried from the gay community to the straight community. So ‘we can't trust bisexuals, because they're the ones killing the straight people.' And that's, like, you Mother...! Sorry, this really gets me beat, once I learned that I was just like 'Oh! Yes.' So that's where the ideas of bisexuality being liars and cheaters, that’s one thing. 

Another thing is whether gay or lesbian, you know, that is the binary of their life. It's either a man or a woman. Where bisexuality comes into play, and bi+ people is way more fluid. We can move between binaries, we don't think in binaries.Most of us don't think in binaries. We're just dating who we date. And when you have that dichotomy of male or female on one side, and then the dumpster fire that is heterosexuality. When you see someone that can move through that fluidly, that is usually a kind of affront. Like how dare you? Be one or the other. You can't just be both. You can't just be neither, either. And I'm just like 'Mmm but I can.' And I do it well. Look at me, smooth as hell. [LAUGHTER] 

But yeah, I don't like the stereotypes. I really despise them of us being cheaters, of us being liars. Why do I need to disclose my dating history? Oh, yeah, I dated a dude this time, I dated a woman this time. Why does it matter? Why do I have to prove my bisexuality? I don't have to prove if I was a 'hasbian,' (which is an old lesbian). I don't have to prove if I dated and divorced a man, so why do I need to prove to anyone what my dating preferences are? I date how I date, who I date, what I want to date when I want to date it. And if nobody likes that, that's more of a 'them' problem and not 'me' problem. So, but that's where the whole idea of us with liars and cheaters comes from.

Thank you, I didn't know that.   

I just learned this recently, that's why I'm just like 'Ooh share knowledge!' Especially with lesbians. Because I am female presenting, it's usually lesbians that are just like 'Oh, well, you know, I dated a bisexual person one time and they hurt me.' No bitch, the relationship ended and she dated a dude. Why you mad? When I break up with somebody, they are no longer on my radar at all anymore. Why are you still checking up? That might be something that they need to process. So I believe it is the same thing for bisexual men with gay men. But I'm not 100% because I don't have a penis. That's just me personally. I haven't really met a gay man that has just like been nice and not have ulterior motives. But that's me. There might be some out there that are beautiful people. And I'm not going to say 'all gay men suck.' Like they say all bisexual people suck.

You mentioned that 'bisexual' really isn't a thing in the black community. But you mentioned that some people in that community prefer to use pan. Did I mishear that?

No, the younger generation (under 30) that I have seen, prefer pan to bi, are more accepting of a lot of queer rhetoric and coming out and being queer in some way, shape or form. But as you start climbing into my age bracket and above, it's starting to look a lot like conservativism. There's still a multitude of reasons but for the like, top five: A lot of black people are staunchly Christian or Catholic, or Muslim, and that is not taught in their religious books. It's not something that is accepted in their religious books. And it’s because of these staunchly religious people that it is rejected in their age bracket of the community. Another one is representation. When you see queer people, they're all white, all the time, it doesn't matter. The show could be about people in Spain, and the whole cast is still white. I don't know about you, but I don't know that many Spaniards looking all colonised and everything. So representation is a huge problem, you do see a sprinkle here and there, but they're usually gay men. To see anyone that is black, that is bisexual, that is female presenting, and that isn't categorised as the as some type of background character, or some type of angry black woman, you don't see that. So therefore, in the community, it's like 'how can I wrap my mind around something that I've never seen before?' And it's like, ‘you know what a fucking unicorn is and you've never seen it’. 

Three is also... especially now black people are just surviving, so we can't... Okay, I don't want to say 'we'. What I've seen is it's very hard to have these existential moments where you're just sitting in thought or just trying to, you know, learn more about self when you have bills you have to worry about, when you have people that you are responsible for, when you have to worry about the current political climate because it could literally mean your death. It's really hard to sit around and think about 'Hmmm, when I kissed that guy in high school, was it because of a dare or did I really want to?' That's not even on the radar, that's not something that you can sit around and have a thought about, because you're like, 'I got these bills to pay, I got to make sure that my grandmother gets to her doctor's appointment, I need to check up on the second job and see if I'm getting it'. When you're living on survival mode, you don't have the luxury of thinking about thought, as Plato would say. But those are the top three. And it's really hard to have these conversations, especially with people in mindsets that are so old, or that are so diligent about not looking shit up and using younger people as Google. When I tell you how many times I've said 'Google is free', you have a phone in your pocket! Use it! Yeah, so those are about the four reasons why it's not really accepted in the Black community, or as staunchly accepted in certain age groups than in others.

You mentioned that there are no representations of Black bisexual people in the media unless they're 2D characters, background characters, a plot twist. So if you knew you're going to watch a show, say on Netflix or on telly, or you were going to go to the theatre and you knew you were going to see a bisexual character, is that what you'd want to see, on stage or on on telly?

I'm gonna say no, but let me explain [LAUGHTER]. I don't watch telly at all, I rarely go to the theatre. But I usually watch feel-good stuff that's animated because things that are close to real life, I have to think and it's like 'No. My brain needs a minute to just... No.' When I know there's going to be a bisexual character, I know that Hollywood's not going to do it justice. So I'm not going to pay my money to support that thinking. And of course, they're going to be like 'Oh, it's because there was a bisexual character. That's why it didn't do well.' When in reality it was a trash two dimensional white character, who was cis/het, who is cis male and then had to hide themselves all through the movie. That's what I'm not putting my money towards. So, two differences of interpretation. Now, there was one representation I will give mad props to because it was just good. It was a trash show, it was called 'Shadowhunters'. It ran in America for I think a year or two. I mean this show was garbage. [LAUGHTER] But the bisexual representation, the guy that played it, he is Asian. And then, you know, he lived, he lived the life of a bisexual, you know? It was fantasy, so he was a warlock. And he lived this life where he was dating a girl, now he's dating a guy, and he continues to date this guy, there's no cheating. He does have a conversation with one of his exes talking about 'I remember we did this and that, like,' And he's like, 'Yes, but I'm with him now. And I'm dating him, and I'm attracted to him.' And I'm just like, this show is garbage! I am literally just clocking in for this character and see his representation made. The other character, who was male and gay, made that representation, like elevated it because, you know, now the other characters say 'Well, you know, I'm dating him now.' And they're like 'Well, you know, he's bi and blah blah blah blah blah, and, you know, he's lived longer than you. So he's seen a lot more of the world.' 'Yes, but he loves me. He cares for me. And he understands me.' And I'm just like 'Oh, my God, this show is, this show is trash, but just that right there'. I would actually buy the show on DVD. I would buy the seasons on DVD just for that, just because of representation. I have a couple of friends that are into indie films, and one of my friends made this short series about a black bisexual woman. And I'm just like [SCREAMS]. I love that series, I want it to get picked up. It's won so many awards. It's going over all over the world, but it hasn't been picked up. It hasn't been syndicated. No money has been put behind it and it angers me. It's like this is exactly what I want but nobody wants to pay for that! But you will give me trash like 'Riverdale'. [LAUGHTER] Garbage. But I don't get shows that I want! So that's why I, I know that I vote with my money. I know that my voice is heard in the green that I use. So that's why I'm very particular on where I put the money. Now if the character is done well, if the character is crafted, I will sometimes overlook their race and gender, if the character is good. But nine times out of 10, the character's not good. So I'm just like 'Oh, yeah, I'll just put that money towards supporting a small business somewhere.'

Are you aware of the term bi erasure? What does that mean to you?     

I wrote a whole paper on it. Bi erasure to me is saying that there's LGBT, but there, but you only see the L and the G and possibly the T. That's it. Like it's supposed to rhyme but what's the B for? We don't really know! 

So Congress has turned over now, I believe it's almost 50/50 Republicans and Democrats. So one of the women that went into Congress as a new person is a bisexual. They showed the first Native American lesbian, they show the first gay mayor. They're showing all these people and then when they get to her, they say like 'LGBT Congress representative' and it's like 'Oh, she's all of them? Oh, that's nice. That's cool. She's the only open bisexual in Congress. But they put just 'LGBT congressperson' and it's like, If that shit isn't erasure, I don't know what is. And she's Black and I'm just like, 'Mmmm mmm.' So you'll give, you'll give claps to the gay man, to the lesbian, to three transgender ladies, but the bisexual: it's like 'No, no, we can't even, we can't even say it.'

As well as characters, 'How to Get Away with Murder'. I love Viola but I was not about to watch that bullshit, for my own personal reasons. But she had relationships with men, she had relationships with women. Throw us a frickin’ bone and say it. Nobody ever wants to say it - they just want a specially female character to look slutty as hell, dating here, dating there, dating everyone. 'The Good Wife,' another show. The Southeast Asian character was also bisexual, but they never said it. She was just queer of some sort. There are all these representations and no one ever wants to just say the word. So that is erasure. Or there are people that say 'Oh, well such and such was bi!'. Okay, well you telling me that five years later about a character that offs themselves, doesn't really give me any type of good feelings. 

Erasure is just like marginalisation erasure, and this is how a lot of my intersections connect. Everyone wants to talk about how sad it is, how poor people are, how things are bad, but they never want to name the people that it's affecting. 'This will affect so many urbanites' -  who the fuck is an urbanite? As long as I've been on this Earth, no one has ever been, let's see, Native American, Southeast Asian, white, urbanised. Say the word, say the term. No one ever wants to say it. We're always an afterthought until decent representation like 'Grey's Anatomy'. I know everybody's like, 'Oh my God. What about Grey's Anatomy?' She taught me a lot. But I fell off that show after the writer strike. So I didn't see her [character Callie Torres] come out as bi, but I heard about it and I saw the little gifs. Like ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine', that character, I like her because she just shoots anything. But those characters are just two, and that's all we got. And then how often after they said they were bisexual from before till now, do you see them? Are they front characters? Do they have just a storyline just about them every so often? You don't - they're just plot twists or plot devices.  

So that's what erasure is to me. We're not going to say the words, but we're going to let you believe this slutty ass character is bisexual when really they just like fucking. Which there's nothing wrong with that, but there's a difference between 'I'm dating this person, I'm dating this person' and 'I'm just fucking around.'

Where do you feel that you can celebrate your sexuality? Where do you feel welcomed?

That's kind of a problem for me because I'm not welcome anywhere. Depending on the day, the time and the bigot, I’m not welcome because I'm female presenting, I'm not welcome because I'm Black, mostly. I'm not welcome because I don't have green. I'm not welcome because I'm too loud. I'm not welcome, because I'm not 'hood' enough. I'm more not welcome than I am welcome. So places that I celebrate my sexuality, are my girlfriend's house.

Oh, I went to Pride last year, in Orange County. And if you know anything about California, we got three parts, we got the top part, we got the middle part, we got the bottom part. The bottom part then breaks off into several other parts, but Orange County is trash. But I went there, it was a smaller crowd. It wasn't as big as LA or San Francisco. But it was nice. It wasn't as overwhelming for my little ADHD brain. I got to see a lot of people, see a lot of flags, a lot of flags I didn't know were flags. Nobody was naked, I'm glad! I love that. I bought my sister her first pan flag, I wore my bi flag, I have pictures of it all over my phone. I have one picture on my nightstand. And that was my first Pride and it felt so affirming to me, It felt so, you know, like, there's this club that I'm actually wanted in. I mean, if I turn my head and squint hard enough, I could see people like cringe and shit, but I just kind of ignore that. So. But just one place where I'm just like, 'Yes! no one's gonna say anything fucked up or stupid. We're all here as a community. You know, there's no angry gay men trying to gatekeep.' So those are about the two times in I believe my entire being that I've...okay, those are two physical times. But in the time of Zoom, I've found a lot of, a lot more groups and stuff. So those are affirming, when I'm in bisexual groups, when I'm in non-binary groups, that when they're geared towards two of my identities, I usually like to go and it feels very affirming. So I'm just like 'Yay!'. So yeah, there are times where I've felt open and supported and wanted, but they're usually via Zoom.

What more could be done? If this is not an inappropriate question, what more could be done to make you feel welcome there?

I'm going to be so bold. I'm going to be so bold as to include your country with mine. Where are the groups that are run and supported by people that look like me or people that look like marginalised peoples? Where are the groups that maybe are diverse…Because there's a large non-binary group from LA and they have smaller groups that break off that are just for people of colour, that are just for female presenting peoples, you know. So you feel comfortable in a smaller space as opposed to a larger group where my voice will be drowned out by white centering people. So, where are the groups like that? It can be a diverse group, but where the groups that either have the small break offs, or that have boards of people that look like me. Or just places that are actually interested in what I want to hear, as opposed to me just being a body supporting another white idea. I don't feel comfortable in any space where I don't see people that look like me. If I am in a space like the non-binary group, I went to a meeting two weeks ago. And it's like 'Ooh this is a lot of white people.' So I was there, it was like over 50 people, they have a discourse. You know, they're organised, it's lovely, but man, the other person that looked like me, we're just sitting there like [GESTURES AWKWARDNESS] There's questions being asked, and everybody has, you know 'I want to share, and we're talking about this!' And not giving the floor to anyone that looks like me. Talking over people that look like me, making it centred on their ideas and then furthermore not giving us a chance to talk. So that's what makes me uncomfortable. That's what makes me shut down. That's what makes me not want to show up or not show up in general. To make me feel comfortable, me seeing people like me. Now, I know there's a lot of people that don't want to come out, bring some allies. It's cool. You know, holding space for people that don't look like you. I mean, I hold space for people all the time that don't look like me, but do I get that shit in return? 90% of the time, no. You're giving me so much, so many things to rant about later. Thank you! [LAUGHTER]

Thank you for sharing that as well. I really appreciate it. I really do. 

A lot of people don't ask that question. They're just like, 'Oh, no Black people don’t come.' They never asked why, they've never asked the one black person that comes and then doesn't show up again. I see your emails. I see your newsletters and everything. But no one, no one ever sends out a survey like, 'Oh, hey, you haven't been here in a while!' or 'How did you like the group? How did you not like the group? How could the group be changed?' I'm not saying cater directly to me, but at least having it as a thought. Having someone that is, you know, that is part of this consumer group. But you don't. So I'm not even part of the demographic.

Is there anything else that you would you like to talk about while we're here?     

People feel that because being queer is against a lot of belief... A lot of holy books, that there aren't queer believers, which is not true. There are many a queer that go to church, that go to Mass, that go to mosque, that go to temple. There are many queer that believe in, in God, in Allah, in a higher power. And I feel like that is something that's overlooked in the queer community or sometimes mocked. Because you know, straight people like 'Oh, well, the queers are going to hell, so it doesn't matter.' Or there have been queer people that have been traumatised and hurt by their religious community. So they're like 'Well, I'm shutting down because I have enough people that have hurt me. And I don't want any part of that.' But there have been some queers that have had very positive experiences with their belief communities. Or some that have had negative experiences but are not letting that shake their faith or belief. I feel like I fall into that category, where I know the churches that I went to in the past were not the most welcoming, but I do still believe in God, I still have a very strong belief. I still keep that as something that's close to me, even though I know I can't share that with anybody, and it sucks. So that is something that I would like to see -  more queers, more bi people especially, be shared that love and that community. That shouldn't be something that is either taken from them or never shared with them. Because belief community is like any other community, it's very comforting. It's very caring, you know, they're still people, and they're not perfect. But that's still something that resonates with me. And I wish I could find more. 

Thank you. Anything, is there anything else you'd like to add? 

Mental health?  

I don't want to be flippant about it. But I know mental health is a serious issue in the queer community. And it's even more so serious in the bisexual community, because we're erased. Because we'r seen as straight passing, or what the hell ever. I wasn't able to come out to any of my medical providers for a very long time. And I feel that that might have, at some point, been a detriment to the service that I was provided, but also because the medical industrial complex is racist as hell. And I was probably going to get another tick against me. So it's like, I'm not going to tell them. But I did have one good doctor. I think one time, I was just like, you know what, I'm fucking fed up with this. I was like 'I'm bi and I have a girlfriend, blah, blah, blah.' She's like 'Good, I'm good. We're going to get tested.' And she didn't make it weird. She acknowledged it. She acknowledged that we, how I needed to be tested, and my girlfriend needed a place to be tested. She would test her for free at my clinic. And I'm just like 'Is this a professional? Doing their due diligence and being, dare I say, professional?!' I'm sorry, I had to be, I had to be dramatic. But I was like 'Thank you!' And I literally had her for three years. And then she fucked off into Africa. Because my clinic, my insurance, they didn't want to pay her what she was worth. And I'm just like 'Yes, you go and get your better job. And then you tell me where you went. So I can follow you.' But yeah, she's gone. And my therapist as well. And I know having a doctor, having a therapist, because my country is capitalist trash, we don't have universal health care. So I know these things are luxury. These things are luxury, and you should be able to be comfortable in speaking to people that are providing service for you. But you can't because of so many layers of erasure, of prejudice, of anti-blackness and racism and misogyny, sexism and it could go on forever. And ableism you know, these things are, these are the things that keep us silent as bisexuals. We're already coming in as a deficit of something. And then for you to add on 'Oh, you're bi too? Oh God, I bet they have something.' Oh, God. So you know, it's, it's a lot. 

I don't have a new doctor yet. I have a therapist, but I don't have a new doctor yet. I'm just not about to share that, because urgh! 

Do you find if you spoke to people, medical doctors, about your bisexuality, they would make an assumption of some kind? Or what do you think would happen? 

Well, I already get enough weirdness because I'm Black and I present female. Once you start adding on things, then they just want to help less and less so again. I have to pick and choose when to disclose and when not to disclose because, …[my doctor] you know, I've had her for, as a doctor for it was a year and a half at the time when I disclosed. I felt comfortable with her. She sat and listened to me. She fostered that trust and comfortability that I can share with her. Where as opposed to other doctors, you know, you got 10 minutes tops. 'What's wrong with you? Okay, how long has that been going on? Okay. Here's a pill, get out my face.' So where [my doctor] wasn't like that, she sat down across from you - she's the only doctor I knew that wore red and had a red stethoscope. And I'm just like 'This is awesome! Yes!' She didn't give me like, 'I'm this authority' feel. She's like 'I'm just like you, tell me what's wrong with you. Maybe we can fix it together. And if not, I can at least alleviate some pain. What's good?' That's what a lot of people in authority, not just doctors, not just medical providers, but teachers and other professionals we come in contact with - no one has the time to foster that trust, in me sharing more of myself. I'm just here for a service, you could care less, you want me gone in five to seven minutes as opposed to 10. So yeah, I'll just, I'll do that.