‘I only started using the label bisexual recently, the word still feels odd in my mouth’

Pronouns: she / her

Content warning: None

In terms of your identity, how do you self-describe?

I only started using the label bisexual recently, the word still feels odd in my mouth. I think I've always kind of known. It's just like, if it’s just something you do, then you think it's normal. 

In terms of your sexuality what what terms do you prefer? You mentioned bi - is that the word that you feel the most aligns to you?

I think so - that's the one I'm making effort to try and feel normal with. 

Are there any other terms that you're aware of? For example, some people find the term queer, slightly odd, obviously, because of its historical context. Are there any terms that you feel that you don't align with? 

I don't think I'm aware of any that I disagree with. I like the word queer. I have a friend who I know from somewhere else who uses that. She's president of the Queer Society of her community. But it just feels kind of young and trendy. [LAUGHTER] Like it's for a young person. I like it. And maybe I'll embrace it.

It's up to you, but I find it handy. It's a nice, kind of short hand.

An umbrella. I like it, I like it.

I'm glad! Do you mind me asking, when did you first become aware of your sexuality?

I can't think of a particular time. I was quite into drawing as a teenager, and I was looking through the old sketchbooks of mine a few weekends ago. I found a lot of portraits of my best friend at the time, who was a young lady and I looked at them thinking: "Hmm!" I got very upset when she got boyfriends, so maybe there was more to it than friendship, [LAUGHTER] She got me into big coats and hats. And my partner at the moment is a man. But he is feminine in many ways. He's got long hair, he's very gentle. I've always been attracted to androgynous people, I suppose somewhere in the middle. I don't find many 'classically male' images very attractive. So I kind of always thought of myself in the middle and only started to narrow it down to specific things more recently. I am 27 now. 

Has coming out been part of your experience?

Not really. I was just filling in an application form - I did the diversity check at the end, and I thought: "Actually, I think I should be ticking a different box." 

Do you speak to your friends or your family about it? Or your partner?

My partner, without wanting to say too much on behalf of him, he's attracted to people in the middle as well. We'll often be watching a film together and go: "Ooh, that's a pretty person!" And we have quite similar tastes. 

And what does the term 'coming out' mean to you? 

Making some kind of change to how you want people to interpret you. So some kind of change. Like saying to the world: "I want to do things a bit differently now, please, please do this instead." I haven't thought very much about it really.

I think that's amazing - that's a really lovely, succinct way to put it. In this project, I'm using the term bisexual as more of an as an umbrella term, so when I'm saying bisexual, it's more all encompassing. When you have spoken to people, if you have, about being bisexual, have you had any responses from individuals or groups?

I haven't really talked about it actually, outside of my partner. I think I should. I'm really starting to acknowledge it myself, so I haven't really started talking about it yet. But  something like this [interview] happens,  and I think: "No, I really should." Because it's something important that I shouldn't ignore.

It's also a slow process. I'm very similar to you as well.  It took me so long to get my head around it myself. So I appreciate where you're coming from. 

In terms of when people hear the word 'bisexual', what kind of words or phrases or stereotypes do you think people associate with that term?

Nothing springs to mind immediately. I don't know much about people's opinions or responses. 

The title of this project, something to do with bivisibility - I think visibility was a good word because actually, I don't think it is very visible, at least not in my circles. I read and hear a lot about more straightforward, LGBTQ matters, like: "I am a different person, and I'm going to do this and let's support each other" and all that. Bu maybe bi people fly under the radar… 

There's a term, like bivisibility, it’s called "Bi erasure". Have you come across this term before?

I think it might have been in one of your messages. But other than that, no.

Ok! Would you like me to explain what the term is to you? 

Yes please. 

Bi erasure happens when someone denies bisexuality is a valid sexuality. They say: "Oh, you're greedy”, "you're just halfway in halfway out, make a choice." It's not really accepting it as a valid sexuality of its own right. And the fact that there are so few characters on television who are openly bi who are not overtly sexualized, or can't just be everyday characters because they're bi, they can't just be a normal human being. I think the lack of visibility doesn't help. I've spoken to quite a few people who have actually been extremely lucky and who have only had positive experiences, which is fantastic. And I'm really happy that they had those experiences. Yeah, so that's, kind of, the term bi erasure. Does that make sense?

Oh, yeah, that does make sense.

You mentioned that, you know, people really aren't visible with bisexuality, have you seen any instances of it portrayed in the media or in the newspapers or in pop culture?

I watched the first half of the first series of 'Crazy Ex Girlfriend'. I tried to like it. On paper it's really good. But it was just a bit sad. The setup is that there's the main character, a woman who really struggles with many things, and she never seemed to improve. And I just couldn't get past that. One of her friends comes out as bisexual about halfway through the series, and the gimmick of the show is that it's a bit like a Hollywood musical embedded in a sitcom. So, you're in a normal situation then they burst into song, and he had a song about that. And I think that that's my only experience of bisexuality in the media. 

It was a nice song. He was a middle-aged man with a daughter and divorced and he found himself strongly attracted to a nice young man, and was coming to terms with that through song. And that was quite positive. I think. 

That's quite lovely - I've never heard of that. I'll have to check that out.

His arc was all about his relationships. But he existed as an everyday character beforehand, so you got to know him as a person before his sexuality became the talking point. I think that was quite well done.

That's actually made me quite happy! In terms of your own view on bisexuality, what do you feel is good about being bisexual?

I find myself attracted to people in the middle of the spectrum, which means that I'm very comfortable with people who defy gender stereotypes, actually. I don't find it jarring when men look feminine, or women are masculine. And that might be part of it. Could be a nice side effect. 

Do you find labels helpful? What do you think about labels?

It certainly could be helpful. It's very important that when you're communicating with someone that you both use the same word to describe the same thing to avoid misunderstanding. But at the same time, there can be too many labels. Or you could find yourself put in a box which doesn't suit you very well. Just thinking as a biologist, we think of the world in species. But a species is just a human 'box'. It's a human concept, nature doesn't actually work like that. You always have to be aware that there's blurred edges. And that the way we classify things doesn't always reflect nature. So I think labels are helpful up to a point, but you always have to be conscious that they are a human invention. And we can't categorise everything exactly how we want to. And it would be important if you're discussing something important with somebody just to check that your words mean the same thing to avoid misunderstanding. So they're a tool, they can be used badly, but they are generally useful, I think. 

Is there anything else that you'd like to talk about?

I'd like to thank you for doing this. I haven't had much time to think about myself and my sexuality before, like, I haven't really stopped to consider it. And this has really made me consider it a lot. 

I think I've grown a bit today. Thank you.

So have I! Thank you.