‘I don’t know how to be gay without her’

Pronouns: she / her

Content warning: None

Names have been changed and redacted to protect anonymity

I guess the best place to start is in terms of your own sexuality. Are there any terms that you feel strongly aligned to or that you strongly kind of disagree with or dislike? 

I'm forever changing, I think. Maybe it's just a personal thing for me, but being 30, well, nearly 31, there's a lot more terms now than there were when I was a teenager. And so new terms like 'pansexual', which, technically, if you look at the meaning of that, I probably would be under that banner. But I don't feel like I connect with that? And maybe it's because it's new and I'm older, I just don't know. So I always tend to say that I'm queer, that I'm bisexual. And queer, because I've had different relationship orientations as well. But if I'm going to talk to someone, and we're talking about identities and sexuality, I'll say that I am just sexual, and that is my identity. You know, bisexual, queer. I'm just sexual. 

That's very interesting. Can you talk to me more about that? 

Yeah, so it was a few years ago, really. Somebody was saying, "Oh, so you know, you... Are you straight? Are you gay? Are you are you bisexual? Are you you know, pansexual? Are you asexual?" You know, listing all of these things. And I just said, "I think I'm just sexual. And that's it." And that's been a bit of a catchphrase of mine actually. So, it's become a nice thing to sort of identify with because it's the raw truth, I think. I think that's how I would identify just as a sexual being. And whatever form that takes is beautiful. [LAUGHTER]

That's really nice. I've never heard anyone say that before. It was very nice. If I didn't know what it was, how would you explain 'pansexual' to me? As something that you are aware of, you might come into but that you don't identify with, what does it mean for you?

As I understand it, pansexuality is when you are sexually or romantically attracted to a another human being, another person, regardless of their gender, their sexuality or how they identify. You are just attracted to them as a person. Which completely makes sense, because bisexuality even the name of it, bi technically means two, you're buying into the binary aren't you? And people always just think 'men and women', whereas pansexuality really opens that up which is so beautiful, but for some reason... I don't know why I don't say that I am pansexual. I always just tend to say that I am bisexual. I didn't know whether it maybe comes from an insecurity of 'Oh, I don't feel young enough or I don't feel cool enough'. 

Because of how my life's gone, and because of the experiences I have had in my life, I really suffer with intruder / imposter syndrome in the queer community and in the LGBTQ+ community. So, whether it's that, whether it feels too much of an identity, I'm not sure. I don't know why, but there's just something it's almost like a physical thing that's like, it doesn't feel natural for me to say that I am pansexual. Even though on paper I probably would be, because of the people I'm attracted to and how I view people as well. I think I view human beings as human beings no matter what. And however they present themselves to me is the reality. It's not my place to identify someone. Life is just... we're just playing. Literally, you know, at the moment, me and you we’re sat in our homes playing house, everything is a game and so you’re just... whoever you wake up as that day. 

Because, say like with polyamory, poly meaning 'more than' - so I suffer with polycystic ovaries. So I have more than one cyst on my ovaries each month. And it's interesting, maybe you could be polysexual. Maybe identify as that now. [LAUGHTER] I've just created my own one. 

The other thing is for me with bisexuality, is when you tell someone of any generation you're bisexual, they're probably going to get it. I mean, being part of the queer community you're constantly feeling that you have to explain a lot anyway, especially if you're then interested in non-monogamy. I mean, don't even get me started with non-monogamy. And so maybe that's the thing for me, it's like, "Well, that's one thing I feel like I don't want to have to keep explaining." It's an interesting one. 

Something that I wanted to come back to was that imposter syndrome that you mentioned, especially within the LGBT community, is that right? Do you mind speaking a little bit about that?

I'll kind of tell you my story. As far as I'm aware, I have always identified as bisexual. I don't ever remember coming out. And I always remember being honest about being attracted to women. But I also remember, as a child, thinking, "I'm attracted to women, and I'll probably sleep with women." I'm talking pretty young as well. "But I'll end up with a man. And I will have relationships with men. And that's, that's what I want." You know, thinking that it was my narrative. So I grew up with that. I also have daddy issues, and had a thing for older men, and it's very cliched, very 'to the book' of having relationships with older men. 

I was very, very insecure as a child. And my first experience with a woman was with a friend who then experienced a lot of shame afterwards, and so ignored me and asked me to leave the next day, and never spoke of it since. And so I think I internalised a lot of shame, as a lot of people do, not knowing, and struggled to then feel confident to explore it. But still identified as bisexual, still would be really open about it. And then at 23, I met this man, who was 22, nearly 23. And I was so desperate to be in a relationship, I was so insecure and so desperate for someone to love me, I just wanted somebody to love me and to feel worthy. And it fit and it was great. And he was my first boyfriend. And then five years later, he proposed. And I, it was almost like as soon as he proposed, I had this realisation of "Fuck, I'm a bisexual woman who is saying yes to living a heteronormative monogamous life. So how do I do that? How do I be bisexual woman and and marry a man?" And so it brought up a lot of questions for me. Then I broached the situation with him, with opening up our relationship, which we did. And I slept with an old friend who I'd known for years and years and years who'd always fancied me and I kind of in my head was a bit like, "Yeah, she'll sleep with me." And that's all it was supposed to be, get [it] out my system. Again, a massive, massive cliche. 'You know, I'm just gonna sleep with a woman get out my system.' No, I didn't. I slept with a woman and, and I swear, I fell in love with her the moment we started sleeping together, that was it. My view of her completely changed and I fell in love with her. So we then were all together for two years. And I got married that year that me and my girlfriend were together. 

And then things started to change, and I grew massively, emotionally. I just found myself. I'd never felt more myself in all of my life, and by this point, I was 27 and I was so queer. I was so gay. I was so bi. I was so sexual. I was just everything and I wanted to eat it all up. And unfortunately, my relationship with my husband, that didn't grow together. It grew apart because he saw it as a phase and saw us going back to being monogamous. And so we separated last year. My girlfriend and I stayed together. But I was grieving my husband - we'd been together for seven years. We bought [a] house, we had a dog, you know, I was doing the whole hetero thing. So it was a really tough time and then lockdown happened and I went into a depression, I got really, really upset. And then my girlfriend broke up with me in May during lockdown this year. I've never known heartbreak like it. It's so painful. And this huge question of how - I don't know how to be gay without her. I don't know how to be queer.

I learned about the community, I learned all these different terms. I learned way more about feminism and the patriarchy, I learned about fetish lifestyle, I basically learned that my sexuality is a huge part of my identity, and it feeds me. But I had no idea how to do that on my own. And anytime I went to an event, like Pride or something, you know, I've always been seen as a straight. I 'pass' I guess, they say that don't they? 'Pass' as straight. And I didn't want to with her and wanted to shout it out and be really proud. It's almost like somebody is going to be like "Oh yeah, well, you're just kind of pretending or it's just a phase" or "Weren't you married to a man?" or "Right, so you're gay now?" Again, all these questions. And I guess I'm still learning, I'm still trying to get to know myself. Because you're constantly changing aren't you? You just get to know who you are today. But I think because of that journey I went on, and because for some reason I had that narrative that “Well I am attracted to women, but I'll end up with a man”. I felt like a bit of an imposter. And more and more, when I was with my husband and my girlfriend, people would put us all on a different level, even though my love for her was unlike any other. My relationship with [my husband] was the one that people clung to. My relationship with [my husband] is the one that people are like, "Do you think you'll get back together?" And yet, for some reason, they don't validate the reality of how big the love I had for my girlfriend was. So I guess that's why I feel so proud. I really want people to be like, "Oh, yeah, she's definitely bi or she's definitely queer." But I don't feel like that. 

And living in Cornwall, it doesn't exist! It doesn't really exist. You have to dig so deep. All of the gay bars have been shut. You get Pride, the gays come out once a year for Pride. That's it. And then you're like, "Where did you all come from?" [LAUGHTER] 

Thank you for being so candid, and, and for sharing, because that seems like an incredibly turbulent time. This could be me stepping a little bit too far, so please forgive me. But you mentioned that your husband felt that it was just something that you had to 'do', but then you would go back to being monogamous. Do you think that was more about monogamy or more about sexuality in terms of your bisexuality? 

We went through counselling to separate us. And she [the counsellor] asked us, "[REDACT] did you always know that [REDACT] was bisexual?" And I was like, "Well, yeah, I told him. Must have told him maybe on our third or fourth date”. And so he knew, and therefore the counsellor then said "There's no reason for you to feel guilty, because you never changed. You just became more you. You were honest. And it's not like you sprung this upon him. You were honest. But you felt like you wanted to explore that." 

I never really thought about that biphobia thing. I think it is actually mixed in with the patriarchy. I first brought up the subject about opening up our relationship and possibly having lovers, which was advice given to me by a woman I'd met at a workshop.. And when she said it, I was like, "Pfft, that doesn't happen! People don't do that in real life. No!" And then the more and more we talked about it, I was like, "Oh, okay. Oh, maybe." And so I brought it up with him. And he was open straightaway to talk about it. But then was saying, "I don't think I'd want to know anything about the men that you're with." And I said, "Oh, well, actually, I was thinking, you know, it would be a woman, for me." And at the time, I never thought about it, until actually my girlfriend brought it up. But he then was really excited. And was really like, "Oh, well, maybe I would want to know." And now I realise that what he did in that moment was he sexualized my sexuality. So with a man, he didn't want to know anything, you know, it's a 'threat', everything like that. With a woman, he didn't see it as a threat. And he saw it as something that was exciting and that benefited him. And it was, it was sexualized. And I didn't realise at the time, because I wasn't aware and I wasn't open to any of that language and how I could be viewed, and I played up to it for years. I really did use my sexuality, I sexualized myself to seem more interesting. Which, you know, again, you hate yourself for it, and you're just like, "Oh, [REDACT], why did you do that?" So yeah, so from his point of view, I think it was like an exciting thing.

Then, when it became the reality and this woman, you know, this young woman was like, in our house, living with us and I was completely in love with her -  not only could he not handle it and didn't really want it to happen, but he couldn't talk about it either. His way of dealing with it was just to be really passive aggressive and to retreat. And none of this I blame him for at all, it must have been really, really hard. Because he's not queer and he's now realising that he's not polyamorous. He doesn't regret any of it, I mean, he had a great time. But I think there was that element of sexualizing my sexuality and and this belief that it would just be a phase. And I thought that to begin with, with my sexuality. I didn't even know about non-monogamy... Well, no, that's a lie, actually, because my parents had an open relationship. But because they'd separated, I'd put an idea of non-monogamy as this thing that can never really work. And was just about sex rather than having many loves. And so exploring my sexuality for me to begin with was just "I'll do it and get out of my system. And then go back to him, and I'll feel like I've done it" Almost, like ticked off the list? But it changed for me really quickly. And I remember even saying, after we'd slept together, "I am definitely bisexual. 100%." And then realising that I didn't want it to end. 

What I struggle with [is] the idea that people say, "Oh, well, you know, bisexuals are just greedy and things like that." The argument that then is put across is, "Well, no, because just because you're bisexual doesn't mean that, you know, you want to be with everyone”. And for me that's different, actually, I would like to have a relationship with a man and a woman. If that's possible in my life, I would like that at the same time. And I think that would be incredible and beautiful. But that fight for it works for some people, but it doesn't work for all, and then again, I feel like "Oh well, I don't fit in then. Because that's not how I feel. And maybe I am greedy.

You said that without your girlfriend you didn't feel like you could be part of the LGBT community. You couldn't do it without her. Why do you think that? 

It's [a] fear of being older and not having very much experience, and this strange feeling of “I know how to do the man thing, and how to talk to a man and flirt with a man”. And I've been in situations in my life where I have tried to do that with women and they're straight. I don't know how to have the language where I can flirt openly with a woman and not offend them.And I'm scared. Yeah. Oh, I feel a bit emotional! I think I am scared of homophobia. And I've been quite sheltered, because I haven't had much experience. And so being with her, I could hold her hand and she was so gay, and she'd been gay for... I was one of the first people she came out to when she was younger. Because I'm bisexual, in the queer community, because I'm not gay, maybe I'm not good enough for women. And then in the straight community, you're sexualized. Your narrative is never validated, it feels like. Whereas when I was with her, it was just being it. There was no need to explain it or anything. And when I was with both of them, I was just being it truly and fully. And I haven't worked out yet how to just feel like I can be that authentically all the time. And just with myself, I guess.