‘I felt like not only was I the token spectrum person, but also the token bi person’

Pronouns: he / him

Content warning: None

Names have been changed and redacted to protect anonymity

How do you self-describe? 

I'm a bisexual man on the spectrum. I think that's specific for the project, but I can describe my other identifiers, too. I was raised Roman Catholic but because of my life and spiritual journey, I now identify as Jewish, Unitarian Universalist. And, I'm a working-class individual. I make enough to live under my roof and have all my expenses paid, but food sometimes is a challenge. I am very active in my community. I'm the co-founder of the Jewish Lakewood Alliance, and I'm politically involved in Cleveland democratic socialists of America. I've done extensive anti-racist activism in the past few years, too. But I also love to cook. I love classic movies, movies in general. I'm one of seven siblings. I have three nieces and two nephews. (I'm) one of 65 first cousins alone. If it wasn't for this pandemic, I would probably be making plans with my cousins.  At least, collectively all 48 of us who I actually see with frequency. Horoscopically speaking, I'm a cancer, which means I present nice most of the time, but don't cross me. You'll regret it in the bones of your soul! [LAUGHTER] So yeah, I'm not trying to say that to sound threatening. It's just America, right now, is pretty much a hotbed of its own tensions coming up from the surface, but also because of the 'kerosene spreader' (Trump) and stuff. I've lost many friends as of late because of my calling out Trumpian racism as of late. Other than that here I am.

And in terms of your sexuality, you said bisexual, what's feels good about that term for you? What do you associate with that term?   

I'm sorry, it just felt like a joke. Well, 'flannel', as I'm wearing flannel. I think it's an attraction to two or more genders. I think I've had many conversations with my friends who identify as pan about this. About how I'm not trying to take away your right to identify as yourself, you know yourself better than I do. But bisexual doesn't imply binary otherwise they wouldn't be a cis bi person. And my ex wouldn't be a trans bi individual. So, yeah, it's just attraction to two or more people, and I often say because of the biphobia around me, attraction to two or more genders and a legal consent-based relationship. Ideally! [LAUGHTER]

When did you first become aware that you were bisexual?

Well, I came out as a junior in high school.  And my mom, who's still very much a super Catholic woman, asked me all the questions. And I mean, as a teenager, "Well, I mean, I could tell you my feelings, but I don't really know them that well, because my hormones are changing everything." So I answered what I could. And that was pretty much it. I didn't really date because I didn't know how to date, I tried, I didn't feel worthy enough to date. That's unrelated to my orientation. I did join a gay/straight alliance at school just to come out to them and then I felt like the person in charge of it was just dismissive. And I never went to another one again. And it was just like: "Well, but I do theatre with this person." So, that was really tough to navigate. But for the longest time, I felt alone. I felt like not only was I the token spectrums person, but also the token bi person. I wasn't calling attention to myself; I wasn't really reaching out for support. I didn't know what support was. I mostly just fended for myself. So, when I joined this bi+ network group that met at the centre, I didn't know what I was gonna expect coming in, but I came in and found community and it was just like; "Great, I don't have to feel like I'm alone. And when I'm alone in a predominantly gay space, I don't have to feel like I'm alone in myself, because I have a community and oh, my gosh, they're drinking martinis over there." Yeah, it's hard to believe it was so long ago, but just having that awareness about yourself, I think was just really interesting.

And that the term 'coming out', what does that term mean to you?

Feeling comfortable to share a part of yourself with people you feel safe with and trust. Even if that means questions, even if that means insecurity, just saying: "Look, I feel safe with you to tell you this." So why I felt like that at 16 I don't know entirely, because I wasn't exactly feeling safe, or in my own skin. But in retrospect, I was like: "Well, how can I make myself feel safer? By just letting people know."

And when you have spoken to people, when you have come out as bi, have you had any responses from people about your sexuality? 

It's been a very interesting range of: "I love you anyway, I don't care. You do you," to: "What does that mean? Are you going out for threesomes or anything funky?" I like to call that benevolent biphobia, because usually people who share that with me aren't exactly antagonistic about it. They just don't know. I mean, I had about 50 questions with my mom in the car  coming back from something or going somewhere one day, and there was a point where I could say: "Mom, I feel like I'm in an inquisition. You're asking me to share feelings and thoughts, but like..." And I know she wasn't trying to convert me back to my defaulted form or anything, she just didn't know. So I mean, when I came out to her, it was:"Okay, well, I'll let your father know." And that was it. I think I caught my parents in the better part of their acceptance journey of LGBT people. My mom started a Catholic form of P flag when my elder sister-

What's P Flag?

Well, I should say it's an American organisation for parents with LGBT children. So they can share in their own supportive space and not feel like they're isolating their children in the process.

So it's kind of a support group and they can come to understand and come to terms and support their children? 

Yeah. And my mom already formed a Catholic p flag. I don't know how successful that went. But my elder sister first came out as lesbian and then she came out as bi and I want to say she had a worse experience than me. 

But I think just tracking my parents' progress and development about it. And even my extended family's progress and development about it. I have a gay cousin. My aunt and uncle have said: "Well, we always knew he was gay. We just wanted him to be safe and come to us with it." I also remember my mom saying: "Why didn't she come to me? I have plenty of advice and experience." I'm just thinking: " different journey?" Going back to the whole range thing. I think it's common that bi people who come out often experience the absurdist sexually adventurous question, to the passive "Oh, great." to "What does this mean?" I want to say that, based on who I've chosen to come out to, I've experienced the range very succinctly. I mean, the worst part is coming out to someone on a date. Cuz you're just thinking: "Well, this person's buying my lunch. Do I tolerate the biphobia because they're paying for my lunch? Or do I just not see them after they paid for lunch?" 

Have you had any what you would consider negative responses when people have learned that you're bisexual?

I do consider that, based on who's speaking to me about it, that the threesome question is a very negative response.

How does that kind of assumption make you feel?

Well, it makes me feel like I can't express my sexuality openly. I think it just reinforces a stigma. And feeling on the other end of the stigma, it's: "Well, do I tell you my honest experience? Are you gonna laugh at me if I tell you that it's not entirely true?" Or if I'm thinking about how it is true, what does that make me? You're damning me if I don't and you're damning me if I do, it makes me feel like I have to fulfil the stereotype. And I'm just trying to live my life. You know, I'm not here to actualize other people's mental images. I'm here to live my own. When I do talk about it openly, just to add on, I feel like the most negative thing I experience is just avoidance. Before I even came out, because of my ability status, I've always internalised other people negatively avoiding me. Not even talk to me or to engage with me for five minutes and call it a day. And just talking about me, but not to me or with me. And sometimes I've often been in the same room as they're talking about me, but yet I've never been confident or able to say: "I'm right here. You can talk to me." But as time has progressed, I just found a way to survive, I guess. 

Do you feel being a bisexual man affects the responses you've had from people?    

I think so. I think bisexual based on the gender you identify with has its collection of stigmas.  I feel like because of my maleness and my whiteness and my cisgender identifiers, it's easier for people to accept that about me, because I'm defaulted in all those areas. If I wasn't a man, if I wasn't white, if I wasn't cisgender, I know for a fact it would be so much harder, because the people in my community have shared their experiences with me. In retrospect, I'm just thinking: "Wow, how much did I actually get off because of these privileges?" And that just makes me want to pursue anti-racism more, and third wave feminism more. Because my privileges oppress other people, I don't want anyone to be oppressed, so what can I do? Use my privileges for good. I think, just in the past year, I've been more vocal about biphobia I've experienced and what that phobia looks like to me. 

When you have been with a partner, whether that's a romantic partner or something shorter term. Do you feel their gender has affected how you're perceived as a bisexual person? 

I think so. I mean, when my ex partner came out to me, they were so worried about being accepted. And I said:  "Well, you know, it's just you, I can't change who you are. I'm glad you felt safe and comfortable enough to come out to me." And they were worried about all these negative emotions, whether or not it's gonna affect our relationship or anything like that. And I was like: "Well, you're still you, I still love you."  I'm friends with a lot of my exes. And to this day, my ex has told people that I was one of the first accepting people that they've had. And when they asked me: "Why are you so accepting?" And I was like: "Because I wish more people accepted me. When I came out." 

Do you feel people would respond to you being bisexual differently than if you were with someone who identifies as a man? 

I am concerned about 'passing' in that regard. I'm still bi whether I'm with a woman or if I'm with a man or with an enby. It's just a matter of dealing with the biphobia of the question. How would I be in a passing circumstance? It's not even a passing circumstance because I have to consent to the passing. Maybe a term for that would be like a projection of passing, because someone is projecting their insecurity about my orientation onto me by asking that question.

So do you feel like they would instantly go: "Ah, that person is straight?" or "Oh, that person is gay?"

Well, if they came up to me and said: "What's going on? You were with a woman last week, and you're with a guy now. What happened?" I'm like: "Well, relationships ended. That's what happened. Moving on happened." This could be a total stranger: "Well, why are you stalking me?" [LAUGHTER] I mean if it were family, I would just say: "Well, relationships." And bisexuals have relationships too. We're not exclusive to an image, there's many forms of expression.

Are you aware of any stereotypes or words, or turns of phrases that are associated with bi people? 

Yeah, I mentioned threesomess because that comes up a lot. But I've often heard the term 'fickle'. "Oh, well [REDACT] just needs to make up his mind. Is he gay? Is he straight?" When I was a teenager, I heard 'phase' a lot. "Oh, this is just a phase." "How do you know, you're a teenager? You don't know your life?" I'm like: "Well, I mean, everything's a phase." I mean, even before I'm even out, I've heard, in predominantly gay spaces, other people talk about other people: "Oh, well, this person identifies as bi, but they really just haven't come out of the closet completely yet." Well, you know me, I'm just glad I have a drink in my hand. And I don't want to teach that day. Because oftentimes, that's an everyday challenge for me: "Do I have to teach today?" And who will compensate my emotional labour? [LAUGHTER]  I've heard those things in the environments I've been in and in other particular spaces. I'm kind of numb to it, to a degree. Because I know that it's going to be a part of the environment. I know that the stigma doesn't really end with me, it ends with the other person. And also, I just like to disprove stereotypes. just for the fun of it. [LAUGHTER]

Are you aware of the term 'bierasure'? What does that term mean to you? 

It means that when we mention LGBT people, we talk about the 'G', the 'L', and then the 'T's' before we talk about the 'B's'. It means going into a gay space and thinking that you're the only bisexual in the room and no one will be interested in you. It means having to explain your existence to heterosexual people. It means digging deeper in history to find heroes or heroines. It means if there's an article that says: "Here are 20 bi celebrities!" You're wondering: "Why didn't I hear that?" I think the last celebrity that came out as bi, that I paid attention to, was Janelle Monae. And then, about a couple months ago, I read an article from the Huffington Post listing 20 celebrities. And I'm just like: "I hope I know a third of them, because I might not know any of them." I'm glad they're coming out. But what if I don't like their artwork or something? Do I have to know every single bi person on the planet? But then again, I don't know if that contextualises internalising bi erasure on me if I don't. Representation matters. 

And if you were on your way to the theatre, or you were about to switch on a film or a programme, and you knew you were going to see a bisexual character, what would you want to see? 

I would want to see a character that has a nuanced story, whose orientation isn't the arc of the story. It's a part of who this character is. It's normalised. 

And have you ever had any positive responses in regards to your sexuality?

I actually just come out each time I'm on a date with someone. Just because if they don't know that, if they're not okay with me being bi, or they're not okay with me being on the spectrum, that means I'm buying my own dinner. [LAUGHTER], or whatever meal that we're partaking in., I hate reducing it to just my bi group for all my positive reinforcement. But the nuance of just having someone say: "Okay, cool. Well, I still love you." That's a positive response. Or: "It's great. I don't care what you do in your life, just let me know if you need me." That's a positive response. Coming out in community has been very uplifting just because, there's people around you who know what it's like to feel alone. And in spaces that are designated safe, but maybe aren't completely safe. Just the fact that I can openly share on my social media stuff about bisexuality and even having someone say, somewhat tersely to me and my family: "We know you're bi, you don't have to come out to us one by one because you're sharing all this stuff on social media." And I'm like: "Yeah, but what if I want to feel comfortable enough to let you know." Yeah, I thought coming out would be great as a one by one thing. Just because I do factor in other people's comfort probably more so than my own sometimes. Maybe they're ready to know that I'm bi. I told my cousins at a party a while ago, I was like: "Look, if I'm dating someone for eight months, then they can come to a family party." [LAUGHTER] I can definitely let them know I'm dating. I could share pictures. But I need to make sure that everyone knows this person's coming to this party. That's just my own insecurities, acting as security. [LAUGHTER]

And what spaces or communities do you feel most welcomed and accepted in? Where do you feel most confident expressing your sexuality?

Well, I feel like Cleveland's theatre community is really awesome. Of course, theatre has always been my safety zone, where I can be myself authentically and feel safe. I feel safe in the activist communities I'm involved in. I feel safe with my support group network. I feel safe at the Unitarian Universalist Church community I belong to. And I'm beginning to feel safe in a temple community that I kind of want to be involved in. And I feel safe around family and friends and other circumstances. I do have to do some normalising still, with some family, but at the same time if they just want me to be happy, I want them to be happy.