‘Being raised in Poland, it's a country where people are all “the same”.'

Pronouns: she / her

Content warning: None

The names used in this interview have been changed to preserve the anonymity of those mentioned.

In terms of your own sexuality, are there terms that you feel strongly aligned to or that you strongly disagree with?

I was identifying myself for a long time as a heterosexual woman. I was raised in Poland, and left when I was 18. Being raised in Poland, it's a country where people are all 'the same.' And when I was growing up, there wasn't anything different - my friends, my whole surrounding, my environment, my upbringing. I have friends who moved out from Poland, and that's when we all started questioning things, and everybody went different ways. That's why I think that perhaps it did have a big influence. And I came to London, and was hanging out with many queer people, but still, I was considering myself heterosexual. And then, three years back I met a guy who was very open minded - he was considering himself heterosexual, but he was way more open minded than many heterosexual guys I met before. And we started experimenting and doing things together. We were very open, it was very refreshing. To meet a guy like this, who was much more open minded, considering that other guys would never do things, it was all kind of like a friendship. We then started dating other girls, and at some point I started thinking, I had much more interest towards that. 

In my life, I’ve had boyfriends, but I never had male friends, and I always felt like I was better connected with females. And I was always thinking, "Oh, you know, I just have those kind of deeper friendships and connections with girls", but it was always on a very friendly basis. And when that happened, I kind of started being more curious about dating girls. And then I started dating girls, and that was really appealing to me, but I wouldn't say then I only like the girls because I very often fancy guys who then actually come out to be gay. When it comes to women, I really prefer more female females and I was talking with my friend who is a gay girl, and she gave me this idea of "Well, you are like, attracted to the similar energy that a person gives you." And that's what really clicked with me, like if I think about the men and women that I am interested in, there are a lot of similarities between them. 

I feel like you say one label and then you're going to be identified by this or seen by that. And I also think it might change because there might be a period where I meet more females but there might also be a period where I might be go back to more mixed. So putting a label, I feel like it really puts you in a box, and the whole bisexual label is very problematic for many people, as you're probably aware. I prefer pansexual, because bisexual really limits you with the type of female who would date you. Many strictly gay women consider bisexual woman as straight and or just would not date them full stop because that's not their preference. Even my friend who is a gay female, she says the same, even though she's my friend. So with bisexual woman, I feel like people see women as straight and then like "Oh, you have a thing or you're looking for fun or whatever." And then with straight guys, they might see it in a very sexual way. And then I was talking to a friend who is bisexual. And he said, "Well, everybody thinks I'm just gay. And I didn't have that many female partners, just because it's so hard to find them." But then he seems like somebody who only dated guys! So it's really hard, because nobody takes you seriously, in a way. - I find it's quite limiting. 

Absolutely. I want to go back to this experience with your friend who is a gay woman - Can you tell me a little bit more about that conversation? 

Yeah, I suppose she also knew me from the beginning, because I’ve known her for more than three years. So she knew I was only dating guys. And then I started telling her about my experiences, but in a very honest way, not just like, "Oh, you know, this happened, it was funny or whatever." And she was happy that I enjoyed those experiences. She was happy that I had a nice experience. But we would go out and get drunk, and she would not include me in a group of queer friends - I was the 'straight friend', and even she'd even sometimes say that out loud. I felt ignored in a way, even though she didn't mean to. But that's when it comes out, like what she really thinks? Because she wouldn't do it like that normally, she would be more careful. So when I started telling her about those experiences with woman and that I had positive experiences, and she could see I was happy. She was super happy about it. And then it kind of switched, it was like I came on 'her side' in a way...

Like you proved yourself?

Yeah, like I proved something! I suppose I would have hoped that she would be the person who would understand the most from the sexuality point of view. Whereas actually my straight female friends, they took it much better, from that point of view. 

Actually something that happened recently was that I have this gay guy friend, really good friend, and I met for the first time his boyfriend.. And I was having this conversation with him, and he told me that he doesn't believe in bisexuality, he says that he sees it as a transition in life from one way to another... He was like "How can you, you know, be into both? Like there are big differences." I'm like, "But what differences?" And I have to say I was pretty surprised. I mean, he's a gay guy who was like, "Well, for example, a penis?" And I was like, "Well, that is the least of a problem, really. But also not everything is around that." But I was actually surprised. It's really hard to hear, like, you don't believe that I exist? So in my experience, I hear that more from people who are gay, rather than people who are straight, straight people are fine. I'm talking specifically about my community of friends, that is. 

Would you say then that people's reactions to your sexuality changes, depending on who your partner is? So for example, when you were talking about your gay female friend, you said when you were with a woman, suddenly you're kind of 'in the group', Do you think that you come back 'out of the group' again, when you're with a guy?

I just think they would just see me as a straight person. There'll be like, "Oh, it's interesting,"  but I would not be 'on their side'. 

How does that make you feel? 

Well, it’s happened now many times to me. And I cannot take responsibility for how people react, but I see that people believe you more when they see or they hear more about the situation and your experiences. The most disheartening is at the beginning, because you feel uninvited or sometimes like a little joke. And also there’s this issue because we [bisexual people] also talk often about non-monogamy, so it becomes even more of like, you're some kind of threat. 

The worst is if you are with the guy in a relationship, and then you try to date other females, then it seems like you're trying to 'use' this person for your own pleasure, because that’s how you’re seen, even though that might change when they get to know you as a person. 

Another thing that I came across is that there are females who really dislike men. And if you have anything to do with men,  they see that in a very negative way. You know, not many people think like that, but I have come across it. That’s disheartening on another level, because you look like you're some kind of 'bad person' because you are with the guy. So I think there are many aspects of this. I think it's very different for bisexual female and male, but that's my experience.

You're still in between, you have to prove yourself, and I find it's hard to find people similar to you, even though I'm sure there are many. Maybe some people just kind of give up. Or they just go one way or the other because it seems easier. And I think also, if I am with a  guy, the guy normally doesn't have a problem if I dated another woman, but I know for guys that some females would have a problem if they dated another guy. 

Have you found a welcoming community of people alongside those kind of reactions? When it comes to the LGBT community, or the queer community, what kind of positive good experiences have you had in terms of reactions to your sexuality? 

Yeah, a little bit. At [REDACTED GROUP NAME],' I would say it's a group of people who are into non-monogamy and everybody is very different but still there is this kind of environment where I feel like I can say everything and never ever feel judged. And it's not just about not being judged, but you also feel listened [to]. I’ve met many people and we have a smaller group, a great core group of three, and it's great to talk and to be able to say everything and feel completely accepted and listened [to]. And they care what you say, even though we all look from different perspectives. It's great to share experiences, points of view or... it’s like with a person, there are certain things that I am attracted to, certain characteristics. And I would say, like, the word energy, because I always feel like there is this energy that I really like, and you just get along straight away. 

I'm so glad that [REDACTED GROUP NAME] has been something that you've had such a positive experience of. Because sometimes it can be hard to find space to have those conversations and feel really comfortable. So that's a really, a really nice aspect that I'm really pleased we were able to talk about..

I think because I had those certain type of experiences from let's say, the queer crowd where I didn't feel fully at home, I like it when there’s more of a mix of people with mixed background and so there's not one type that then define you in one way, but everybody's got their own opinion. And people can, you know, have different opinions. And it's great to listen because also, you know, there's no right and wrong. 

Before I joined [REDACTED GROUP NAME], I did not have many bisexual friends. It was always gay guys, predominantly, and some gay girls. And then, you know, I had straight friends and now in [REDACTED GROUP NAME],' there are people who are like, straight, not straight and do things that before other people wouldn't do, if you know what I mean. [LAUGHTER] I really love it. I really love when people don't just put stuff in boxes. 

So with all that in mind then, given you've had all these really different reactions to your sexuality - do you think that bivisibility is an issue? Do you consider it to be something that's worth talking about?

I definitely feel that it is an issue or a challenge. And I think it's hard for bisexual people to meet or find each other. You have lots of events for queer and gay people, but then it's kind of mixed, so you are there and you might sometimes feel like you are, not invading, but you know, you have to find your people who will not be against you. There's many layers, but I feel like if there were no labels, that would take out a lot of the prejudgment. But I understand that I look at people like not male, female, but a person, whereas other people do look that way. 

But [REDACTED GROUP NAME] has been a way of you starting to potentially find the kind of community? 

Yes, and I still treat it more as friends group. I suppose I treasure it in a way. It's kind of like this comfort zone that I actually was thinking once, like if I met someone like, would I actually want them to join? Because I feel like this is the safe space that you can just go and say everything. Which is nice and you feel accepted. But yeah, in terms of looking, I would say I do use dating apps. That's my main kind of source of finding people rather than through friends because I suppose... Yeah, I haven't had that crowd yet.